Oh Baby, Oh Baby
by The Badfic Fairy
Summary: Naruto gets trapped in his Sexy no Jutsu form! But is there something more sinister going on? Contains yaoi and spoilers for all of Naruto. Note the categories selected.
1. Prologue

Heh heh... Naruto doesn't belong to me, I'm just telling a story with its characters.  
  
Warning! There will be yaoi, mpreg and some other squicky stuff later on, so don't hurt me!  
  
~*~ Prologue ~*~  
  
"Naruto," said the Hokage, crossing her arms over her ample bosom, "why exactly did you feel the need to tag the outer wall of the village with one of those 'For a good time call So-and-So' messages? Aren't you a little old for those kinds of pranks?"  
  
Naruto looked at the floor and scuffed it with his foot. Truthfully, he didn't know why he'd felt the need to revert to his old ways. It was just that... ever since he'd become a Chuunin, ever since the people around him finally warmed up to him somewhat, he'd felt... he didn't know. Like one of the crowd. No one looked twice at him anymore, not even in disgusted fascination. No one was paying attention.  
  
"I don't know," he said, then looked up at Tsunade's irate face. She took a deep breath. Naruto prepared to bolt if he had to.  
  
"I can accept that," she said. Naruto relaxed. "But," she continued, cracking her knuckles. Naruto edged towards the window. "Why the hell did you put *my* number up, you little brat?"  
  
Naruto made for the window, but Tsunade caught him before he reached his goal and swung him up to her eye level by his collar. "Do you," she ground out, punctuating each word by shaking Naruto so hard his eyes rattled in their sockets, "have any idea how many perverted calls I've gotten in the last hour *alone?*"  
  
Naruto closed his eyes, instinctively forming seals with his hands. He realized at the last second that the jutsu he was performing wouldn't be any help against Tsunade--she was a woman, after all--but he figured he was going to be pudding in a second anyway, so it didn't really matter.  
  
With that in mind he took a deep breath and yelled out his secret special attack: "Sexy no Jutsu!"  
  
He remained suspended in the air for a second, then Tsunade let go. He fell to the floor and cowered there. After a moment, he looked up, confused.  
  
Tsunade was staring at him, eyes glazed over and blood trickling from her nose. As Naruto watched, she slowly slid to the floor. He raised himself to his knees and poked her forehead. She fell backwards, completely unconscious.  
  
Naruto stared for a moment. Then he grinned and stood up, proudly naked and female, and placed a foot on Tsunade's abdomen in triumph.  
  
"Ha ha!" he shouted. "Uzumaki Naruto triumphs again! His super-secret special attack, 'Sexy no Jutsu,' has now taken down not one Hokage, but two! And the next Hokage will be Naruto himse--ugh!"  
  
A sudden surge of chakra made Naruto fall to his knees, clutching at his stomach. The painful sensation soon subsided, however, and he stood, disregarding it in his victory. Chuckling as he caught sight of Tsunade's motionless form once again, he put his fingers together in the seal for "Kai," the jutsu-release.  
  
"Kai," he said. Then he said it again, puzzled. Nothing happened. He tried one last time. Still, nothing. He raised a hand to his chest, dreading what he might find.  
  
His breasts were no longer an illusion. They were real. He slid his hand down to his crotch. Flat.  
  
Uzumaki Naruto, who had taken down two Hokages in this form, screamed as he found himself trapped in it.  
  
~*~ To Be Continued... ~*~ 


	2. Not on my Panties!

Disclaimers are in the first chapter. But I forgot a warning: the chapters aren't all gonna be the same size. Depends on how much time I have, you know? I'll some long and some short, and it'll all be good.  
  
Anyway, onward ho!  
  
~*~ Not on my Panties! ~*~  
  
"Well," said Kakashi, "I told you before: you stay in that form too long, you'll get stuck in it."  
  
"This isn't funny, Kakashi-sensei," Naruto fumed.  
  
"I beg to differ," Sasuke said, looking bored.  
  
Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke were seated on the ground in the field where they'd first proven their worth as Genin, while Kakashi perched on one of the posts. They'd been called there by Naruto earlier that morning and found him in a form not unlike his Sexy no Jutsu, but clothed. Sakura had been incredulous as he'd explained what had happened. A Henge no Jutsu transformation, becoming an actual transformation? Sakura had never heard of such a thing. Logically, it would be impossible, but very little was impossible when Naruto was your teammate.  
  
It was a beautiful day, clear skies and warm sun, but Sakura could feel a storm brewing nearby. Her instincts were soon proven right. After a few minutes of frowning at his rival, Naruto flicked a shuriken at Sasuke, which Sasuke caught and nonchalantly tossed back. Before it could reach its target, Sakura, seated in between her two male teammates, snatched it out of the air and glared at both of them. They didn't seem to notice, though, too busy glaring at each other.  
  
Sakura sighed. It was always like this. Kakashi glanced up from his reading, sensing the charged atmosphere.  
  
"Naruto," said Sakura, trying to diffuse the tension, "what exactly happened? Did you do anything differently than when you usually, um... do that?"  
  
"No," Naruto sulked. "It's just like I told you: I used it on that old hag Tsunade--"  
  
"Don't call our Hokage a hag, Naruto," Sakura admonished, but as usual he ignored her.  
  
"--and then there was this big surge of chakra, and then I... well, you know. I got stuck like this. I don't know what happened."  
  
Sasuke snorted. Naruto whipped his head back towards him, long ponytails catching the light and momentarily blinding Sakura. "What was that for?" she snarled.  
  
"Because only you could 'accidentally' overpower a Henge no Jutsu like this, that's why," Sasuke drawled. Sakura narrowed her eyes at him. She still had a bit of a crush on him, true, but he occasionally got on her nerves. Not as much as Naruto, but enough. "You're such a moron," he continued.  
  
Naruto leapt to his feet. "Don't call me that!"  
  
Sasuke stood slowly, smirking. "Why not? It's the truth."  
  
Sasuke fell into a lazy fighting stance as Naruto rushed forward. Sakura stood herself and was about to intervene when Kakashi stepped in between them, holding Naruto back with both hands on his shoulders. "Now, now," he said, "no reason to fight just yet. Naruto, I'll talk to the Hokage and see if I can figure out what might have gone wrong. In the meantime--"  
  
"Ah," interrupted Naruto, "you might not wanna do that yet. I don't think she's recovered." He scuffed the ground, looking as repentant as she ever did.  
  
Kakashi stared at her for a moment. "It... worked?" he asked. Naruto nodded. "On the Hokage?" Naruto nodded again. Kakashi gazed at the sky, looking contemplative. "Hmm..." he murmured. Then he shook himself and continued. "In the meantime, Sakura, could you get him into something a little more... fitting?" With that, he disappeared in a puff of smoke.  
  
Sakura looked Naruto up and down. She saw Kakashi's point. While Naruto's regular orange jumpsuit covered the most important parts, it was so loose that it left a great deal of skin exposed, especially when he moved. Naruto was still small for his age, though he had gained a couple of centimeters, and the Sexy no Jutsu was almost as tall as Sasuke, almost four centimeters taller. In the meantime, his sandals, made for a growing boy, were loose on his new, more slender feet; Sakura winced at the thought of the blisters the friction would cause. And, she thought, eying Naruto's chest, he would need a bra. Hopefully one of her spares would fit.  
  
"Damnit!" raged Inner Sakura. "He's not even a real woman, and he still has nicer boobs than me!"  
  
"So," said Sasuke, in that particular tone of voice he'd developed over the years specifically to provoke Naruto. "Why did you use that move on the Hokage anyway? I thought you were sixteen, not twelve." Sakura rolled her eyes. Sasuke was being really irritating today.  
  
Instead of yelling and starting another fight, as Sakura had expected him to do, Naruto glanced away, looking almost... guilty? No way. But--  
  
"I kinda played a prank on her," Naruto said. Sakura's jaw dropped. Back when he'd done this sort of thing routinely, he'd always bragged about what he'd done, how bad he was, how no one else in the village could get away with it. Sure, that time was long gone, but still, Sakura had the feeling it wasn't just age that had taken away much of his usual bravado. Perhaps he was more shaken by this than she'd thought.  
  
Inner Sakura snorted. "Yeah, right," she said, "he's probably just hoping you'll forgive him for whatever he's done this time. Like hell!"  
  
"And what prank was that, Naruto?" she said aloud, pushing herself out of her own thoughts and into her usual role as peacekeeper and rule-enforcer.  
  
"Well," he replied slowly, "if you look at the outside wall, you'll see it."  
  
The conversation died, and Sakura silently contemplated the scene in front of her. Naruto was sulking, arms crossed over his unfettered breasts and a pout on his downturned face. Sasuke was gazing at Naruto, eyes traveling up and down his body in a manner Sakura decided she didn't like at all. Before she could say or do anything to stop it, though, Sasuke broke the silence himself.  
  
"Hey, what's wrong, Naruto?" said Sasuke, smirking. "Woman problems?"  
  
"Shut up, Sasuke," Naruto mumbled. "I'm just feeling sick, that's all."  
  
The silence returned. Sasuke continued to look at Naruto, who refused to look at anything besides the ground. Sakura chewed her bottom lip and thought. If Naruto was back to pulling pranks again, then maybe...  
  
"Maybe," growled Inner Sakura, "he's pulling one on us!"  
  
Quick as lightning, Sakura crossed the distance between herself and Naruto, took a breast in her hand, and squeezed. "Hmm..." she murmured. There was a definite bulge under the fabric, ruling out the low-level Henge no Jutsu. She squeezed a little harder. The bulge remained instead of disappearing, indicating that it wasn't one of the more advanced illusions which added a small amount of substance to the fabrication. So, it seemed Naruto was telling the truth. She looked up to apologize to Naruto for doubting him, but froze as her gaze fell on his face.  
  
"He..." muttered Inner Sakura, taken by surprise for once. "What is that look?"  
  
Naruto's cheeks were flushed, eyes half-closed. As she watched, his mouth curved into a lascivious grin. She stared for a moment, then flushed too as she realized what was going on.  
  
"Naruto," she growled, drawing her hand back and clenching it into a fist.  
  
"Eh? What's up, Sakura-chan?" Naruto asked, clueless.  
  
"You pervert!" Sakura yelled, slamming her fist into the side of his face. He flew a short distance and crashed into the pole Kakashi had been sitting on with a decidedly satisfying crunch. She smiled as he slid to the ground, cracking her knuckles. After a moment, he shook himself and stood up.  
  
"What was that for, Sakura-chan?" he whined, rubbing his sore head.  
  
"It's cause you're a total pervert, moron," Sasuke interrupted, already on his way out of the field and into the nearby forest. Sakura caught Naruto's wrist before he could flip Sasuke off and, giving Sasuke's retreating back one last glance, dragged him out of the field in the opposite direction.  
  
"Hey, hey, Sakura-chan," Naruto asked, his newly-soprano voice breathy from being pulled along at such a pace, "where are we going?"  
  
"To my house," Sakura answered. "You need some clothes and sandals that fit. Some of my old things should do for now. And then," she said, giving him a sideways glance, "then we're going to the store."  
  
"But Sakura-chan, I thought you were gonna give me what I needed!" Naruto said. "I hate shopping! Why do we have to go?"  
  
"Because," she said, gripping his wrist harder and dragging him even faster, "there's no way a pervert like you is getting his hands on a pair of my panties."  
  
"Hell no," Inner Sakura agreed.  
  
~*~ To Be Continued... ~*~ 


	3. A Tribute to John Steinbeck

Disclaimers are at the beginning, but there are no more warnings this time around, except that this chapter is really short. Sorry! I didn't have time to write anymore, 'cause stupid finals are coming up. *kicks finals* But after that, there'll definitely be more, I promise!  
  
~*~ A Tribute to John Steinbeck ~*~  
  
While Sakura was giving Naruto his "makeover," Sasuke was out in the woods, venting some steam.  
  
"Damn him," he muttered to himself as he beat the sap out of an innocent tree. "Damn him and his stupid party tricks."  
  
He paused for a moment and glared at the tree. Then he redoubled his efforts.  
  
"Damn his hyperness--" he continued to mutter, punctuating each syllable with a chakra-powered punch or kick, "--and his loud mouth, and his stupid grin, and his hair, and his whiskers--"  
  
As he mutilated the defenseless sapling, images flashed through his mind: fighting against Naruto, alongside him, watching him fight Sakura, the few times they'd had to bathe together, his smile when he was genuinely happy...  
  
And now, Naruto's arms crossed over his chest, accentuating his new cleavage. His orange shirt hugging his new, socially-acceptable curves. The few inches of smooth belly the shirt had ridden up to reveal. Naruto's face as Sakura had essentially groped him. He imagined Naruto hopping along on top of the village rooftops to his house for a change of clothes, completely naked.  
  
Sasuke's flurried attacks slowed, then stopped. He stared at the tree, noting that he had stripped a large section of the trunk of bark, leaving it bare.  
  
Bare like his heart now was. He leaned his forehead against the smooth wood, punching at it without energy. The action brought his weariness to his attention; weariness of the body, weariness of the soul. He was so tired of it. Tired of it all. Tired of revenge, tired of being cold and distant, tired of hiding how much he truly liked his fellow Chuunin, some more than others... He slid to the ground, exhausted and sore.  
  
And then, it rained.  
  
~*~ To Be Continued ~*~ 


	4. Unf

Disclaimers are in the first chapter. There's implied sex in this chapter, but nothing graphic, not even close.  
  
To answer someone's question: the reason why the last chapter was called "A Tribute to John Steinbeck" is because if you read a lot of Steinbeck, you start to notice a pattern:  
  
Bad stuff happens. And then it rains.  
  
Also, from now on Sasuke will be written in the John Steinbeck style, so expect lots of dramatic weather changes.  
  
~*~ Unf ~*~  
  
"Naruto," Sakura admonished, "you're going to make yourself sick again if you eat that."  
  
Sakura was again seated between Naruto and Sasuke. This time, however, they were sitting at a table in one of Konoha Village's few indoor restaurants with the other Chuunin in their graduating class. Their teachers had insisted they eat lunch together today. Kakashi had eyed Sasuke as he'd explained that it was meant to form a stronger bond between them. He'd called it a training exercise. Sakura called it fun.  
  
The table, though near a wall in the back of the restaurant, was nevertheless well-lit and airy, a function of the enormous windows which took up nearly one whole wall. In addition, Inner Sakura was asleep, leaving her feeling light and happy, and she was surrounded by people she genuinely liked, a luxury she'd had to do without on countless missions. Her one regret was that, with Naruto to her left and Sasuke to her right, she couldn't properly gossip with Ino--and Hinata too, maybe, but she was still so shy. Ino was slowly forcing her out of her shell, though, laughing and joking with her as they sat next to each other on the opposite side of the table.  
  
Sakura smiled as Hinata giggled. You couldn't be shy with Ino. She knew that better than anyone.  
  
"Yeah," came Chouji's voice from Naruto's left, breaking Sakura out of her thoughts, "even I couldn't handle fried chicken, spinach and banana ramen."  
  
"And should you really have gotten a double serving?" Ino said, momentarily pausing in her conversation with Hinata. "I mean, you're starting to get a bit of a belly there, Naruto."  
  
"Shuh uf," Naruto said, mouth full of noodles. He chewed, swallowed, and continued. "I'm really, really hungry--"  
  
"When are you not?" Sasuke said to himself, so quietly that only Sakura and perhaps Shino could hear him. She risked a glance. Sasuke had been acting weird ever since that day in the field, fighting and arguing with Naruto on an even more frequent basis. Every little thing Naruto did seemed to piss Sasuke off. She'd hoped they wouldn't pick on each other at all during lunch, but if they only did so under their breath, that was all she could really ask for. Beside him, Shino was silent and unreadable, an island of uneasy peace in the sea of noise.  
  
"--and this is what I feel like eating, OK?" Naruto paused, then pushed his chair back and looked down. "Am I really getting fat, though?"  
  
"Yup," Shikamaru drawled. He looked down at the small furry thing he was currently defending his food from, then raised his eyebrows at Kiba. "Hey, get your dog off the table, would you? Some of us don't eat at the speed of light."  
  
Kiba slurped up the last of his udon and whistled. The puppy--Kuromaru, one of Akamaru's youngest--perked her ears, then trotted daintily across the table and into her owner's arms. He stuffed her into the front of his jacket, as he had with Akamaru when he'd been a puppy. Sakura sighed in relief when he did so. Maybe his family didn't mind dog hair in their food, but she most certainly did.  
  
Naruto, in the meantime, had his hands on his hips, frowning. "This is so weird," he said. "First I can't keep anything down for weeks, and now..." He shook his head and went back to his ramen.  
  
"It--It doesn't show that much, Naruto-kun," Hinata said quietly, but Sakura doubted Naruto heard her over the sound of his own chewing.  
  
"So, Naruto," said Kiba once he'd finished cuddling with Kuromaru, "how long have you been a girl for now? Two months?" He grinned, and Sakura rolled her eyes. She did not need stupid boys baiting each other during meals. "Should we start calling you 'Naruko' now?"  
  
Naruto froze, then shot up out of his chair and pointed at Kiba.  
  
"You do," he shouted, "and I'll kick your ass so hard you'll have to walk on your hands for a year! I am the man who will become Hokage, you hear me? The man!"  
  
Sakura heard Sasuke draw in a breath to speak and gripped his forearm firmly. "Sasuke, don't," she hissed, then turned her attention back to Naruto when she felt him relax. Naruto had his foot up on the table, oblivious to the disapproving glances of the restaurant's other patrons. His long hair dipped into his ramen, but he didn't notice, so absorbed was he in his anger.  
  
"See?" he said, gesturing to his leg, "I'm wearing pants!" His chair, which had teetered on its back legs during Naruto's speech, finally toppled over. Naruto paid it no heed. "This is not my fault, so you'd better just shut up about me being a girl--"  
  
"I think you should be the one to shut up, idiot," Sasuke interrupted, standing slowly. Naruto glared at Sasuke, transferring his rage over to him. Sakura buried her face in her hands and mentally sent out thousands of apology notes to everyone in the restaurant.  
  
"What the hell is with you, Sasuke?" he yelled. "Every time I turn around, you're doing something to piss me off!"  
  
"Must be PMS," Sasuke retorted. Sakura glanced at his face and felt Inner Sakura start to stir. He was enjoying this!  
  
"It is not! I haven't even had one of... one of those things! If anyone has PMS, it's you!"  
  
Sasuke's eyes flashed. Sakura cringed. That look meant the argument was about to come to blows.  
  
"C'mon, Sasuke, let's settle this right now!" Naruto continued. "I'll show you how much of a man I am!"  
  
"Not in here, moron," Sasuke said, grabbing Naruto's wrist and dragging him out of the restaurant at lightning speed.  
  
For exactly six seconds, there was dead silence in the restaurant. Then, as if a faucet had been turned on, conversation started again, mostly hushed whispers and glances directed at their table. Sakura raised her eyes and found Ino gazing at her with something like pity.  
  
"I am so sorry," Ino said. Sakura nodded.  
  
"I can't believe them sometimes. I mean, seriously. And you," Sakura said, rounding on Kiba, "why'd you do that? You know how Naruto is!"  
  
"It was supposed to be a joke," Kiba explained. "I didn't think he'd take it seriously." The table was silent for a moment.  
  
"Well," said Ino, attempting to recapture the jovial mood from before the fight, "I guess I beat you in that area, Sakura. 'Macho' is not a problem we have here on Team 10. Right, guys?"  
  
"Right," Shikamaru and Chouji agreed.  
  
"See? Got them well-trained," Ino continued, pleased with herself. Her two teammates looked at each other and rolled their eyes. Sakura smiled, glad she'd managed, not to salvage her old friendship with Ino, but to form a new and better one.  
  
"Got any tips?" she asked. "God knows those two--" she gestured to the wall they were seated next to, on the other side of which was an alley where she assumed Naruto and Sasuke would have their little spat, "--could use some discipline."  
  
Ino looked thoughtful for a moment. "Well, if you want, I could tell you. But with boys as badly-behaved as those two, you might want to start with the less advanced stuff," she said, indicating Kiba, who was cooing to Kuromaru to calm her down.  
  
"I can use all the help I can get," Sakura admitted.  
  
"OK, then," Ino said brightly. "Shikamaru, switch places with Sakura, would you? We have some girl talk to do. And Hinata, don't think you're getting away from this: every girl should know how to train men. It's a basic skill."  
  
Sakura and Shikamaru stood and switched places.  
  
"This is such a pain," Shikamaru said as he righted Naruto's former chair and sat down.  
  
"Hey, you think Naruto's gonna eat all that?" Chouji asked, indicating Naruto's half-full bowl of ramen. Shikamaru eyed it warily.  
  
"If you wanna try it, be my guest," he said, pushing the bowl towards Chouji. "I wouldn't. Hey, pass me my fried rice, OK?"  
  
As the requisite transfer of food was made, Sakura set her salad down and took a seat. She leaned in towards Ino. "So?" she said in a conspiratorial voice.  
  
"OK," Ino said, leaning in towards Sakura and drawing Hinata down with her. "Lesson One: You're the Boss. Most guys will roll over and play dead if you make it clear you're in charge." She looked up and noticed that the males at the table were silently listening in. "Observe," she said in her quiet voice, then raised it and addressed the table.  
  
"Hey, you," she said, "stop eavesdropping. Talk about guy stuff."  
  
Shikamaru raised an eyebrow incredulously. "'Guy stuff?'"  
  
"Yeah," Ino replied, "Like sports or special jutsus or somethi--"  
  
"Shut up," Kiba growled, his ear to the wall.  
  
"Excuse me?" Ino asked, insulted.  
  
"No, I mean, I heard something. Listen."  
  
The entire table leaned toward the wall and listened. From the other side came a thump, and then another. Soon the thumps were coming in rhythm, and voices began to float through as well. Sakura's eyes widened as she heard the words.  
  
"Na-ru-to--"  
  
"C'mon, Sasuke, can't you do it any harder than that?"  
  
"I'll show you hard!"  
  
There was a particularly loud thump followed by a short wail from Naruto. Shikamaru raised his hand to signal their waiter, who was with another table on the other side of the restaurant.  
  
"How'd you like that, huh?"  
  
"Unf!"  
  
Sasuke gave a short yelp, and the thumping stopped. All was silent for a moment.  
  
"Heh. Thought you'd never get me off, idiot."  
  
Sakura shook herself out of her thoughts. So Naruto and Sasuke were... and they were... in public? She and Ino looked at each other, eyes wide.  
  
"Did you know about this?" Ino asked.  
  
Sakura shook her head. "No, not at all. I mean, they always seemed to be a little too obsessed with each other, but I never thought..."  
  
"Well, it's a good thing I moved on, I guess," said Ino, waving in Shikamaru's general direction.  
  
Abruptly, Hinata stood up, tears in her eyes. She stared at the wall for a moment, then fled the restaurant at top speed.  
  
"Oh, no," Sakura said. "She doesn't still have a crush on Naruto, does she?"  
  
"Those assholes," Kiba snarled, standing. "I'll--" Abruptly, he stopped, wincing as if kicked. "What?" he asked, casting a curious glance at Shino.  
  
Shino looked at Kiba, who cocked his head to the side. He raised an eyebrow. Kiba made a confused noise in the back of his throat. Shino gestured towards the door of the restaurant and muttered, "Hinata."  
  
Kiba looked at him for a second longer, then punched his palm as he understood. "Great idea!" he said happily, already on his way out. "Thanks, man!" He exited the restaurant and dropped Kuromaru to the ground, whispering instructions. She sniffed the air for a moment, then took off down the street, Kiba on her heels.  
  
Once Kiba was out of sight, Sakura was able to breathe and think again. Whatever happened to "bonding?" Well, she imagined Sasuke and Naruto had "bonded" quite well, and hopefully Kiba and Hinata would soon as well. She smiled and gave Shino a thumbs-up. Surprisingly, he returned it. "Must be in a good mood," Sakura murmured to herself.  
  
"Hey Shikamaru," Ino said playfully, "how come you never run after me when I'm in a bad mood?"  
  
Shikamaru sighed. "You can take care of yourself," he said. "And," he continued in a quieter tone that Sakura assumed was meant for Chouji's ears alone, "the way I help you feel better is by being your punching bag."  
  
"I heard that!" cried Ino, flinging a piece of orange chicken at him. It hit him square on the chin, slid down, and fell onto his plate. He raised an eyebrow at her, then calmly flung it right back.  
  
"Hey, don't waste good food, you guys!" Chouji said, attempting to snatch the morsel out of the air.  
  
"Can I help you?" came a voice from behind Sakura. She turned around. It was the waiter, looking as bedraggled as she felt.  
  
Sakura felt a stray pea lodge in her hair and grimaced. "Check please."  
  
~*~ To Be Continued ~*~ 


	5. Dude Gestates Like a Lady

Disclaimers are in the first chapter. No new warnings this chapter. And to the person who seemed to be confused last chapter: I really don't see how you got confused about whether Sasuke knows who Naruto is or not. I mean, he still calls Naruto "Naruto," right? Isn't that pretty obvious?  
  
Either way, here's the next chapter.  
  
~*~ Dude Gestates Like a Lady ~*~  
  
"You really should have come in earlier," Tsunade grumbled as Naruto plopped himself down on her desk.  
  
"But Tsunade-baba, you know I never have time," Naruto grinned. "All these missions you send me on, and I'm still a growing boy who needs his sleep."  
  
"Remember when you call me 'Tsunade-baba' that I can still wipe the floor with you," Tsunade said. Really, some things never changed. "And unlike some people, I have no compunctions about hitting women."  
  
"Not that you would, Tsunade-baba," Naruto retorted. "You're a woman too."  
  
"Off with your shirt," Tsunade said, exasperated. She still had a mountain of paperwork to do, and Naruto really should have come in weeks ago for a follow-up examination. She'd done a physical the day after his strange transformation, but hadn't been able to determine the cause. Hopefully she'd get better results this time.  
  
"Ooh, are you sure you can handle me shirtless, Tsunade-ba--" Tsunade made as if to flick him on the forehead. Naruto smiled nervously and rubbed the back of his head before continuing. "I meant, ah, 'Tsunade-babe.' Yeah. That was it."  
  
She eyed him critically, struggling to keep her mirth from showing. If there was one thing Naruto was good for, it was comic relief. "That's a bit better, but watch it, buster."  
  
Naruto nodded vigorously and shucked his shirt. Tsunade took his pulse, then put her ear to his chest to listen to his heart and lungs. All normal. She noticed as she sat back up that his face was flushed. She scowled. They should never have let Jiraiya train him. She gripped his upper arm and placed her fingers on the artery; blood pressure seemed to be normal. No fever, despite the flush that lingered.  
  
Physical possibilities exhausted, she closed her eyes and reached out with her chakra. The flow of chakra through his body appeared behind her eyelids. Using it as a guide, she reached out and placed her fingers on a few of the particularly active 'pulse points' for his chakra, on his temple and below his right collarbone. The instant she made contact her eyes popped open. Something was amiss.  
  
Naruto had always had a naturally high chakra level, especially in the abdominal area, where the demon fox was sealed. The two chakras had been steadily mixing through the years, but Naruto's own chakra had remained dominant, through sheer force of will on his part, Tsunade suspected. Now, however, they appeared to be separating--as if the demon fox was reforming within Naruto's body.  
  
For a moment, she panicked. Had The Fourth's seal not worked completely? Would they have a repeat of the tragedy of sixteen years ago? She shook her head, taking her hands off of Naruto's skin. If the seal hadn't worked, she'd just redo it; she had the power, after all. The only problem was, what would it do to Naruto, physically and psychologically, to have such a powerful jutsu used on him at this stage in life? The Fourth had used a baby because infant's chakra systems weren't fully formed yet, and thus easy to manipulate. Naruto's chakra system, on the other hand, was extremely well-formed, both from conscious strengthening and from the added strain of the demon fox's chakra flowing through it. To reseal the demon fox at this point could be disastrous for the boy.  
  
"Tsunade-baba?" Naruto asked, sounding worried. "What's going on?"  
  
She put it out of her mind for the moment; she'd have to consult with the Jounin on this, and Naruto himself, of course, but she wanted to mull over it first.  
  
"Nothing, Naruto. Put your shirt back on," she said. "But I do have a few questions to ask you. First: have you been having any trouble breathing lately?"  
  
"Nope," Naruto said, and took a deep breath to demonstrate.  
  
"That's good. Peeing?"  
  
Naruto blushed. "It still feels kinda weird," he admitted.  
  
"That's to be expected. Eating?"  
  
"Well, I was throwing up a lot, but I'm better now."  
  
Tsunade paused. "Throwing up? When was this?"  
  
"Oh, up until about a week ago. Just in the mornings, though. Weird, huh?"  
  
"Only in the mornings?"  
  
"Yup!" Naruto said. "And then afterwards I was always really hungry. Hey, Tsunade-sama, wanna treat me to ramen after this?"  
  
Tsunade steepled her hands and regarded him carefully. Yes, now that she was thinking about it, there was a definite bulge in Naruto's belly, too large to be caused by mere weight gain. And though the level of chakra in Naruto's abdomen was always higher than the surrounding areas, it was higher now than she'd ever seen it before. She'd passed it off as a side effect of the transformation, but now...  
  
If her suspicion was true, the situation had just become infinitely more complex.  
  
"Naruto," she said seriously, "have you had sex since you transformed?"  
  
Naruto turned bright red. "Wh-Wh-What?"  
  
"Have you had sex, Naruto?" she pressured. "Specifically, have you had sex with a man?"  
  
"N-No! No way!"  
  
"Are you absolutely sure, Naruto?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Have you ever lost consciousness in a strange place? Passed out from drinking too much?"  
  
"What are you talking about, Tsunade-baba?" Naruto cried. "Of course I haven't! Why are you asking me all these weird questions? Hey, I bet you're a pervert too, just like that Pervert Sennin!" His chakra flared righteously. "You wouldn't believe the things he wanted me to do--but I swear I never did any of 'em!"  
  
Tsunade crossed her arms and looked away for a second. "All right, Naruto," she interrupted, "I'll ask you one last question: when was the last time you had your period?"  
  
"Huh?" Naruto said, scratching his head. "I never did."  
  
Tsunade took a deep breath, let it out, and looked Naruto straight in the eye. "To answer your earlier question, Naruto," she said, "the reason I'm asking you about your sex life is because I think--"  
  
"--you think you might've figured out what's wrong with me?" Naruto said happily.  
  
"No, Naruto," she said. "I think you may be pregnant."  
  
~*~ To Be Continued ~*~ 


	6. But He's a Boy!

Dislcaimers are in the first chapter (duh), there's a little bit of swearing in this chapter. And because I haven't updated this in a while, there's another chapter waiting for you, too!  
  
~*~ "But He's a--oh." ~*~  
  
Hatake Kakashi was pissed. Well, perhaps not pissed; it was his duty as a Jounin to come whenever the Hokage called, after all. Even if she called right as he was slipping into a nice warm bubble bath, the latest volume of Come Come Piracy in his hands. No, he was perfectly happy to answer the door in only a towel and mask and trek halfway across town just so he could wait at the Hokage's leisure. Perfectly happy.  
  
So he was becoming a crotchety old man. He figured that after dealing with Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura for four years, and especially this latest fiasco, he deserved it.  
  
He wished he'd remembered to bring his book, or that the tiny waiting room had some magazines to read, or something. He dug around in his pouch, hoping he'd brought a crossword puzzle or something. He found something infinitely better: Come Come Paradise, Volume Four. Definitely his favorite of the series. He grinned beneath the mask and opened it to the first page.  
  
Of course, that was the moment Kotetsu chose to stick his head out of the Hokage's office. "Hatake Kakashi?" he said, cowering a little when Kakashi slammed the book shut and glared at him. "The Hokage will see you now."  
  
Kakashi stood and walked through the door. He briefly thought about showing Kotetsu "1000 Years of Pain," but decided it was punishment enough that the man was Tsunade's errand boy. Kotetsu closed the door behind him, and Kakashi stood at attention in front of the Hokage.  
  
"At ease," she said, seated behind her desk. Kakashi relaxed and took a seat in a nice cushy chair right in front of her. Not that he'd been offered it, but he figured he deserved it for being punctual for once.  
  
"You're probably wondering why I called you here on such short notice," she started, rubbing her temples.  
  
"I am," Kakashi answered. "You said it was an emergency; what's going on?"  
  
"It concerns one of your students."  
  
Kakashi gripped the chair. As annoying as they could be, he really did like and care for his students. What could have happened? Could Sakura have fallen ill? Could Naruto have messed up another jutsu, this time with deadly results? Could Sasuke have left the village again?  
  
He desperately hoped it was anything but that last one. Sasuke had been forgiven the last time he'd gone missing, as he was young and in pain. Now, however, no mercy would be shown, especially in light of his previous transgressions.  
  
"Which one?" he asked, somehow managing to sound nonchalant. The Hokage took a deep breath.  
  
"It's Naruto," she said.  
  
"What about him?"  
  
"There... seem to have been a few effects from his transformation that we didn't consider before."  
  
"Effects?"  
  
"He seems to be pregnant." Kakashi stared at her for a moment, then burst out laughing. Tsunade watched as he slowly got ahold of himself, absolutely stone-faced.  
  
"G-Good one, Hokage-sama," he chuckled. He let his last few giggles out and looked at her expectantly. "What is it really?"  
  
"That is it, Kakashi," she said. Kakashi blinked.  
  
"No, really, what is it?" he asked. "A joke is a joke, but I'm getting kind of worried here."  
  
"I told you," she said, starting to sound peeved, "Naruto is pregnant."  
  
"But that's impossible, right? I mean, even if he was having sex--which I don't think he is--he can't get pregnant. He's a--oh." He raised his eyebrows.  
  
"That's what I meant by unexpected effects," Tsunade said, rising from her chair and pacing around. "And it doesn't stop there."  
  
"It... doesn't?"  
  
"While I was examining him today, I felt a strange chakra," she said. Kakashi nodded.  
  
"The demon fox," he said. Tsunade nodded as well and went back to her pacing.  
  
"You are aware that, over the past sixteen years, the demon fox's chakra has been being absorbed into Naruto's own?" At Kakashi's affirmative, she continued. "It appears that the remaining chakra isn't mixing with Naruto's. Instead, it is separating."  
  
Kakashi felt himself go cold as the implications of that statement hit him.  
  
"Oh shit," he said.  
  
"Oh shit, indeed." Tsunade rubbed her eyes and sat back down. "I can reseal the demon if needed, but I'm worried about the effects it could have on Naruto, especially if he's pregnant."  
  
Kakashi nodded slowly. Not only was there a chance of killing the baby, there was also a chance that the baby would be irrevocably changed by the opposing chakras swirling through its... well, he guessed "mother" was the appropriate term, but he really hated applying the term to someone he knew to be male. Irrevocably changed, perhaps resulting in another overpowered demon child like Naruto himself. Or--he shuddered internally at the thought--Gaara of the Desert.  
  
He met Tsunade eyes and knew she was thinking the same things he was. "Well, what do we do?" he asked. Tsunade sighed.  
  
"We have two options," she said, "wait for the baby to be born, and risk the demon fox becoming too powerful for Naruto to handle, or seal it now and risk the creation of another monster. An abortion at this stage would be too risky, in my opinion--the physical and emotional effects on Naruto could be just as disastrous as a failed birth. I wanted to talk it over with you first, as you are Naruto's teacher and know him best. Can he, in your opinion, contain the demon fox, even while pregnant?"  
  
Kakashi thought it over for a minute--despite training Naruto for four years, he'd only ever seen the demon fox's chakra force itself to the surface four or five times, even when Naruto himself was at his weakest.  
  
"I think we should wait," he said. "Naruto was able to hold the demon fox in, even as an infant. I'm sure that if he's informed of the risks, he'll be able to handle it."  
  
Tsunade nodded. "He has already been informed," she said. "Thank you, Kakashi, you can go now."  
  
Kakashi stood and saluted, then headed towards the door. Before he exited the office, though, Tsunade spoke.  
  
"Kakashi. Wait. I forgot something." He turned around.  
  
"The information you have received about the demon fox is confidential," she said. "You are only to discuss it in the company of other Jounin, and then only if you are sure you are not being eavesdropped upon, and only after I've called a general meeting to discuss it. I don't want anyone to panic. The consequences of the actions they may take may be disastrous in this situation."  
  
Kakashi saluted again, then left, his head spinning like a madman's. He needed something to distract himself from the shocking news, and it looked like simple reading wasn't going to do it. That thought in mind, he left the Hokage's house and headed towards the nearest bar.  
  
~*~ To Be Continued ~*~ 


	7. The Monthly Jounin Bitch Session

Aaaand... here's the second chapter I promised! I'll try to write more soon, but it's the holidays. After New Years, definitely, though.  
  
~*~ The Monthly Jounin Bitch Session ~*~  
  
"--so I think they had a fight of some sort," Gai said, sipping at his beer. He grimaced; he'd been talking for too long, it seemed, and the beer was warm. Ick. "Lee, of course, is taking TenTen's side, which complicates things."  
  
"What a gentleman," said Kurenai tiredly. Asuma nodded in agreement.  
  
"The springtime of youth, while a wonderful and vigorous thing, can occasionally have drawbacks," Gai admitted. The three Jounin instructors were seated at a table in the far corner of one of Konoha's liveliest bars, recounting the frustrations of teacherdom in what Gai secretly called their Monthly Bitch Session. Training students with such vibrant personalities unfortunately led to many tragedies as well as triumphs, and with no one at home, Gai naturally gravitated towards his fellow instructors for stress relief.  
  
"That it can," Asuma said.  
  
Kakashi was invited as well, of course, but never showed. Gai was glad: he would most certainly lose to Kakashi in terms of student problems. With just these two, though, his competitive nature faded, leaving him calm and somewhat tired, a far cry from his usual enthusiastic approach to life. Still, he thought it was better to let himself go completely for one night a month, rather than slowly deteriorate in front of his students.  
  
"Well," Gai said after a pause, "I'm finished. Asuma?"  
  
"Eh, no real problems," Asuma said. "My team's pretty laid back. The boys do what Ino says, and nobody gets hurt." He took a drag from his ever- present cigarette and turned to Kurenai expectantly.  
  
"Where do I begin?" she said, rubbing her temples. "Hinata's been doing so much better lately. Her forms are perfect, her performance in missions superb, and she's even coming out of her shell a little bit. She told Kiba off the other day for going off on his own, and not even Shino usually does that." She paused. "Not that Shino ever really talks. But today..."  
  
She sighed and leaned against Asuma, who put his arm around her shoulders. Gai felt a small twinge of loneliness, but shook it off quickly. Kurenai sighed and continued. "Two weeks ago, she had a terrible day. She was totally off. Her timing, her teamwork, everything. Sure, it was only a C- rank mission, but still, it was like she was thirteen again. And then, after the mission was done, she just burst out crying. She called herself worthless, apologized to me for having to deal with her. A total relapse. And today was just as bad. I don't know what to do with her. She won't talk to me, and neither will Kiba or Shino, and I know they know what's up..." She sighed. "It's just so frustrating. She was doing so well."  
  
Gai winced in sympathy as he took another sip of his disgustingly-warm beer. Hinata was Kurenai's pet student, as Lee was Gai's, so he knew how it was.  
  
"Don't worry too much about it, dear," Asuma said, rubbing her arm comfortingly. Gai felt another twinge and decided it was time for him to look around for a date himself. "I'm sure it's only temporary. She's probably just tired or something simple like that."  
  
"I hope so," Kurenai said.  
  
"Well," Gai said after a pause, "I think you win this week, Kurenai." Asuma nodded in agreement.  
  
"What a prize," Kurenai said.  
  
Gai drained the rest of his beer and was about to bid his fellow instructors farewell when a shadow fell across the table. He glanced up and squinted against the light. The silhouette looked vaguely familiar, and while he was attempting to place it, the figure pulled up a chair to their table and straddled it backwards.  
  
"Actually, I think I win," the figure said. At the first syllable, Gai knew exactly who it was: his eternal rival, Kakashi!  
  
"Kakashi!" he cried, jumping to his feet. "How dare you show your face here after ignoring our invitation for so long! And without even RSVPing!"  
  
"Not now, Gai, please," Kakashi said in a monotone voice; another man would have missed it, but Gai, having observed Kakashi carefully for years, could tell that the man was depressed and a little drunk. Gai blinked, then sat down again. Even if he was being rude, even if he was his eternal rival, Gai just couldn't challenge someone whose youthful vigor was so depleted. What could have caused Kakashi such distress?  
  
"So," Asuma said, "what's up?"  
  
"You'll never believe what I just found out," Kakashi said.  
  
"Try us," Kurenai said.  
  
"My student is pregnant."  
  
The three Jounin seated properly at the table blinked simultaneously.  
  
"I thought Sakura was smarter than that..." Kurenai murmured.  
  
"Lee will be heartbroken," Gai agreed. "What happened, Kakashi? Did her youthful energy overpower her good sense? Or," he said, unable to help getting a jab in at his rival, "did yours?"  
  
Kakashi narrowed his eyes at him. "It's nothing like that."  
  
"Oh," Asuma said, taking a drag, "than what's it like?"  
  
"It's Naruto."  
  
As one, their mouths dropped open. Asuma's cigarette fell out of his. Kakashi reached over and nonchalantly ground it out in the ashtray. There was a pause. A Chuunin Gai didn't recognize at first walked past their table and sat down in the booth next to them, ending the moment.  
  
"You're kidding," Kurenai said. "Is that physically possible?"  
  
"Shouldn't be," Kakashi agreed, "but I just heard it from the Hokage herself. You wanna call her a liar?"  
  
Kurenai shook her head.  
  
"Do you know who the father is?" Asuma asked.  
  
"Nope, not yet," Kakashi answered. "I'm gonna ask the kids tomorrow morning."  
  
"Good plan," Asuma said.  
  
Gai slowly shook his head to clear it. Naruto, pregnant? The boy had no small number of problems and oddities about him, but this surely took the cake. He could see why Kakashi had chosen this night to attend the Bitch Session.  
  
"There's more to it," Kakashi continued, "but that's classified."  
  
"Something to do with the You-Know-What?" Gai asked, dreading the answer.  
  
"Yeah," Kakashi said. Gai sighed. He'd come here looking for stress relief, not to have his stress added to!  
  
"Kakashi," he said sullenly, "I'm going to challenge you tomorrow, and you'd better not run away. You ruined my evening."  
  
"Whatever," Kakashi said.  
  
"This is all kinda hard to swallow," Asuma said. "I mean, first you tell us one of your students is pregnant. Then you say it's Naruto. And now--"  
  
A loud bout of coughing from the booth next to them interrupted Asuma. He glanced at the source of the noise with irritation and continued. "And now, you say the village might be in danger from That Thing again."  
  
"You think I'm lying?" said Kakashi.  
  
"I'm not saying that," said Asuma. "I'm just saying--"  
  
"Excuse me," interrupted the Chuunin from before. Now that he had a better look at his face, and wasn't in shock, Gai recognized him; Umino Iruka, one of the teachers at the Academy. "Did I just hear you say that Uzumaki Naruto is pregnant?"  
  
"You did," Kakashi said. "Oh, hi, Iruka."  
  
"Hi," Iruka said, rising from his seat and exiting the bar at top speed. Gai watched him go and tried to figure out what had him so upset. Oh, right: he'd practically raised Naruto himself. Gai didn't envy Naruto the scolding he was probably going to get, not at all.  
  
"Well," Kakashi said, standing up. "I think that's my cue to go."  
  
"'Night, Kakashi," Asuma said. Kurenai had fallen asleep on his shoulder.  
  
Gai raised a hand in farewell. "Don't forget, Kakashi: tomorrow." Kakashi raised his own hand noncommittally and walked towards the exit. Before he'd gone too far, though, Gai rose from his own seat and dashed to catch up with him.  
  
"Kakashi," he said, "Naruto--he doesn't have a lot of money to spare, does he?"  
  
"Nope," Kakashi said. "Just enough to live. I think the Hokage's gonna increase his allowance once the kid's born, though, and give him a bunch extra so he can get his place ready."  
  
"Tell her not to bother with that last bit," Gai said, smiling glintily. He knew just how to restore vigor to all of them! "If I cannot convince the people of this village to provide Naruto with everything he needs to prepare for his child, not only will I run around the village 1000 times on my hands and then do 5000 pushups, I will finally concede you the victory in our eternal rivalry! Kakashi! Do not back down from this challenge!"  
  
"Suit yourself," Kakashi said, then exited. Gai gave his retreating back a thumbs-up, then rushed back to his table to tell Asuma and Kurenai all about his plan. The youthful, fiery spirit of Konoha would prevail!  
  
~*~ To Be Continued ~*~ 


	8. Enter Iruka

Sorry this chapter took so long... I've been really busy with the holidays and such, and school starting again. But the next one will take less time, I promise!  
  
//...//=flashback  
  
~*~ Enter Iruka ~*~  
  
Pregnant.  
  
Naruto shifted onto his side and curled into a ball. He was lying under the blankets on his bed, in his room, in his apartment, and he still didn't feel secure. How could this have happened? It was bad enough being stuck as a girl, possibly for the rest of his life, and now he was... pregnant? How?  
  
It wasn't fair! How was he going to care for a child? He was sixteen, for gods' sake! And gods, he didn't even want to think about the demon fox problem.  
  
"This is all Sasuke's fault," he mumbled, turning onto his other side. "Damn Sasuke. Damn all of them. I hate my life." Big fat tears rolled off his face, soaking his pillow. He clutched the blankets to him and sobbed violently. Damn it! Hadn't he decided years ago that he wasn't going to cry anymore?  
  
//He came to slowly, the pain of what seemed like a thousand needles calling him relentlessly back into consciousness. He blinked once, twice, and looked down at his feet. Some distance away, that boy--Haku--lay on the ground, seemingly unable to get up. And in front of him...  
  
"Geez... all you ever do is get in the way..."  
  
--standing in front of him was Sasuke. "Sasuke!" he said, overjoyed. They'd beaten Haku! They'd won! "You..." he started to continue, then stopped as a small lake of Sasuke's blood hit the bridge beneath them. Sasuke looked back at him, and his eyes said he was dying.  
  
"What's... with that face... you moron..." Sasuke said, still more blood dribbling out of his mouth.  
  
"Why?" Naruto asked. He hated Sasuke! Sasuke hated him! And yet Sasuke had risked--no, had given his life for Naruto's. He didn't understand!  
  
"How should I know..." Sasuke said, then made a small noise with his lips. "I hated you..."  
  
"But... but... why? Why me?" Naruto shouted. Sasuke was silent. "I never asked for your help!"  
  
"I don't know..." Sasuke whispered. "My body just moved on its own... idiot..."  
  
Then he fell, and all Naruto could do was catch him. He cradled Sasuke's body gently in his arms and listened carefully as Sasuke imparted his last words to him.  
  
"That man..." Sasuke said in a weak, broken voice, struggling to keep his eyes open. "My brother... I told myself I wouldn't die until I killed him..." Sasuke took a pained breath. "Don't die also..." Tears started to spill from Naruto's eyes.  
  
And then Sasuke went completely limp and died.  
  
"He landed a blow on me without flinching, died to protect you." Haku said, getting to his knees in preparation to stand. "To protect a precious person, knowing it was a trap, he was still able to jump in. He is a shinobi that deserves respect." He stood. "Is this your first death of a friend?" he continued. "This is the way of the shinobi." Haku slipped back into his demon mirror, and the slithering sound jolted Naruto from the trance he'd been in.  
  
"Shut up," he said. He'd hated Sasuke too. Hated him so much. And yet he was crying now, crying because Sasuke was dead. His eyes snapped open. His mind screamed "I won't forgive you!" though whether it was Haku or Sasuke he meant the words for, even he didn't know. The Demon Fox's chakra swirled through him crazily; he could feel the needles embedded in his skin quiver with repressed energy. He frothed and shook, the only thought on his mind to kill the person who'd killed Sasuke, to kill him--Haku!//  
  
"That boy," Naruto sobbed. "He didn't want to be pregnant either!"  
  
There was a knock at his door. Naruto pulled a pillow over his head and refused to answer it. Whoever it was could come back in the morning, when things didn't look so bleak.  
  
"Naruto?"  
  
Naruto blinked. Why was Iruka here in the middle of the night?  
  
"Naruto, can I come in? I'd like to talk to you."  
  
Naruto slowly worked his way out of his bed and padded to the door, fumbling with the lock a little before opening it. Iruka stood silently in the doorway, watching as Naruto rubbed what he hoped were the last few tears from his eyes. Naruto stood to the side and Iruka walked in, placing both hands on the kitchen counter in what Naruto knew was a calming gesture for himself. Naruto shut the door.  
  
Leaning his weight onto his hands, Iruka took a deep breath. He opened his eyes and looked straight at Naruto, dead serious. The silence lingered into uncomfortability. Naruto started fidgeting, leaning against the door. Was Iruka just going to stand there all night and stare at him?  
  
"Naruto," Iruka said, finally breaking the silence, "I'll ask you right out: are you pregnant?"  
  
Naruto went cold. How had Iruka found out? He himself had only found out that afternoon. Did he have some kind of "Pregnant-Former-Student" detector?  
  
What would he think of Naruto now?  
  
"Naruto," Iruka repeated, "are you or are you not pregnant?"  
  
Naruto closed his eyes, prepared himself for the worst, and nodded. There was silence for a moment. Then Iruka exploded.  
  
"Sixteen and pregnant!" he yelled. Naruto winced. "Naruto, how could you? I thought I raised you better than that!" Naruto buried his face in his hands, feeling the tears coming again. "If your father were alive..."  
  
"If my father were alive, he wouldn't be yelling at me!" Naruto sobbed. "If my father were alive, I wouldn't be an orphan! If my father were alive, I would've had a family, and friends, and I wouldn't have gotten pregnant!" He slid to the ground, still sobbing. "If my father were alive, I would be *happy*, Iruka-sensei!"  
  
Naruto bent over so that his forehead was almost touching the ground, wailing and hugging himself. Why couldn't Iruka understand? Nobody understood him! Nobody! He was all alone, and pregnant, and he didn't know what to do, and--he looked up in surprise as Iruka leaned down and put a hand on his shoulder.  
  
"I'm sorry, Naruto," he said, wiping away one of Naruto's tears with his thumb. "I shouldn't have gotten so angry. I was just... surprised, that was all."  
  
Naruto nodded and hiccuped. "It's OK, Iruka-sensei," he said. "I understand--I mean, I *am* a boy. Or, I was. Oh Iruka-sensei, what am I going to do?"  
  
"It'll be OK, Naruto," Iruka said. "I'll always be here for you, always. I'd never abandon you over something like this." Naruto's eyes widened when Iruka grasped his shoulders and pulled him into a hug. He'd always been the one to hug Iruka, never the other way around.  
  
"Iruka-sensei..."  
  
"If--If it gets too tough for you living on your own, Naruto," Iruka said quietly, "there'll always be a place in my house for you."  
  
Naruto felt his eyes watering again, but this time in joy. Iruka understood! He forgave him! He still cared for him! He clung to Iruka and shook with mingled tears and laughter. Several minutes later, he was asleep, Iruka still rubbing his back soothingly, the first rest he'd gotten since his visit to Tsunade that afternoon. 


	9. Who's Your Daddy?

Discalimers are in the first chapter.  
  
Well, now I'm back on schedule. Hopefully this will clear up some of the confusion (or myabe add to it... heh). I think this is almost halfway done, the way I have it planned out. Don't worry, everything gets explained by the end. I think. Either way, I hope you enjoy this as much as you've seemed to enjoy the last few chapters!  
  
Also, a note: Sasuke will continue to be written in the style of John Steinbeck.  
  
~*~ Who's Your Daddy? ~*~  
  
"So, I wanted to ask you guys if you had any idea who it might be," Kakashi concluded. Sasuke and Sakura were again seated in the field where they'd proven their worth as Genin, while Kakashi sat on a post. This time, however, it was Kakashi who had called them there. He'd told Sakura and Sasuke to come a little early, as he had some questions he wanted to ask, but as usual he himself had shown up almost as late as he'd told Naruto to come.  
  
"I have no idea," Sasuke said, standing up and preparing to walk home. He didn't have time to waste on whatever trouble that idiot had gotten himself into. Especially if it involved... He stuffed his fists into his pockets.  
  
"Are you sure, Sasuke-kun?" Sakura asked. Sasuke blinked.  
  
"What do you mean?" he asked.  
  
"You mean you you don't have *any* idea who the father of Naruto's child might be?" she insisted. Kakashi raised his eyebrows and leaned forward. Sasuke groaned inwardly. There went his hopes of a quick meeting and quicker escape.  
  
"No, none," he answered.  
  
"None whatsoever?"  
  
Sasuke narrowed his eyes. Why would he? He didn't keep track of Naruto, or of his... his liaisons. So he'd gotten himself knocked up. So what? That wasn't jealousy he was feeling, it was irritation. He didn't care who Naruto had slept with, whether he'd enjoyed it, whether he'd come back for more. He. Did. Not.  
  
"I told you, no," he said. He turned around to leave the field and this stupid discussion, only to almost run into Naruto, who was standing right behind him.  
  
"Gah!" he shouted, jumping backwards several feet. "Don't do that, moron!"  
  
"Someone wasn't paying attention!" Naruto singsonged, then turned to Kakashi. "Hey, Kakashi-sensei, what's up?"  
  
"Hi Naruto," said Kakashi, "Actually, we were just talking about you, Naruto."  
  
"Really?" Naruto cried happily. "About how great I am, how clever and powerful, how shining and--"  
  
"Actually," Sasuke interrupted, "we were trying to figure out who knocked you up."  
  
"Oh," Naruto said, rubbing the back of his head and looking at the ground. "Well, ah, that's--" Sasuke rolled his eyes and turned his back on Naruto, setting his sights on the edge of the field.  
  
"Wait, wait, don't tell us," Kakashi said, stopping Sasuke's escape with a hand on his shoulder. "Let's make it a game. Sakura, tell us your theory, and Naruto, you tell us if she's right. If not, we'll keep on guessing. Sound like fun?"  
  
"I really don't think this is funny, Kakashi-sensei," Sakura said.  
  
"OK!" Naruto beamed, oblivious to his teammate's bad moods. Kakashi glanced at Sakura expectantly.  
  
"Oh, all right," Sakura sighed. She took a deep breath. "Do you remember a few weeks ago, when we had that 'training exercise?'" Kakashi nodded.  
  
"The luncheon. Right."  
  
"Well, Naruto and Sasuke-kun got into a fight, and they left together." She looked to Sasuke to confirm her story. He nodded. So he and Naruto had fought. What was her point?  
  
"Go on," Kakashi said, clearly enjoying himself.  
  
"After they'd been gone for a while, we--the ones in the restaurant-- started hearing these... thumping sounds. Rhythmic thumping sounds." She blushing. Kakashi's eyebrows raised to his hairline. Well, the visible one did, anyway. "And Sasuke-kun calling Naruto's name, and talking about 'finally getting him off.'" She paused for breath and looked at Sasuke with something akin to grief. "So I think... I think Sasuke-kun may be the father."  
  
Sasuke snorted in disbelief. Even if he was the father, there was no way Naruto would ever admit--  
  
"Yup, that's what happened," Naruto said. "Got it in one."  
  
Sasuke froze. His right eyebrow twitched. Then he grabbed Naruto by the wrist and pulled him to a more secluded area, away from the poles.  
  
"Why the hell did you say that, you moron?" he hissed. Naruto wrenched his wrist out of Sasuke's grasp and rubbed it ruefully. "You know as well as I do that that thumping sound was me banging your stupid head against the wall!"  
  
"I know," Naruto said. "But you know what, Sasuke? You're a jerk. You're a jerk to me, and you're a jerk to Sakura-chan, and you have been for four years straight. If I'm going down," he smirked at Sasuke in a manner that could only be described as evil, "you're coming with me."  
  
Sasuke stared at Naruto in disbelief, blood draining from his face. Then he punched Naruto as hard as he could. Naruto flew backwards, landing near the poles. Sasuke had him pinned in a second, and was just about to pound him into the dirt when strong arms pulled him off his teammate.  
  
"I don't know what he said to piss you off aside from the obvious, Sasuke," Kakashi said in a deadly voice, "But you do not hit pregnant ladies."  
  
"He is *not* a lady!" Sasuke screamed, fighting against Kakashi's strong grip. "He's a bastard, that's what he is! A lying, scheming, idiotic, no- good, dead-last, two-timing bastard!" Sakura helped Naruto into a sitting position, glaring at him all the while. "I hate you, Naruto! You fucking bastard, I hate you!"  
  
"Sakura, get him out of here, all right?" Kakashi said. Sakura nodded and helped Naruto get up. Naruto was rubbing his cheek and gazing at Sasuke like he'd just been betrayed by the thing he loved most in the world. Sasuke felt his rage dwindle into impotence at the sight. He looked away. So what if he'd caused that expression. Naruto had betrayed him first.  
  
Once Sakura and Naruto were safely out of the field, Sasuke felt the arms around him loosen. He broke free the instant he could and escaped into the forest. Kakashi called for him to come back, but he ignored it, instead running until emotional pain and shock caused his legs to give out deep within the forest. He curled into a ball there on the ground and hugged himself, pressing his knees against his eyelids.  
  
Why? Why was this happening to him? Wasn't his brother killing his entire family enough? What god out there had decided to pick on him? How could Naruto have done that? To him? He'd trusted him! Trusted him with his life, and...  
  
And his heart. He couldn't deny it any longer. He cared for Naruto as more than a rival, more than a teammate, and had for a long, long time.  
  
And that just made it hurt all the more.  
  
He shook with silent sobs, feeling tears spill from his eyes and not willing them away for once. He was sixteen, and in love, and life sucked. After what seemed like a long, long time, he stopped and sat up, wiping at his eyes. It wasn't that he wanted to stop, it was that he'd run out of tears to cry. His throat hurt, he felt sick, and he realized, as he looked at his surroundings for the first time, that he'd fallen down right in front of the tree he'd mutilated months ago.  
  
He punched the tree for old times' sake and leaned his back against it, gazing up at the dispassionate sky. Then he drew his knees up and let his head fall forward onto them. Why couldn't he have just one break in his life? Just one day of clear skies and unbroken sunshine?  
  
The wind suddenly picked up. Sasuke blinked as he sensed that, however impossible it seemed, the sky had somehow heard his plea. He raised his head and looked up through the forest canopy, hope swelling in his heart, waiting for the ray of light he was sure would come.  
  
And then, it rained. 


	10. omgbabyshower!

Well, I worked hard to get it out today, and here it is!  
  
~*~ omgbabyshower! ~*~  
  
~ Part A: A Boy and his Belly ~  
  
The first thing Naruto heard one morning a month or so later was a knock on his door. He blinked and yawned and glanced at his alarm clock. He frowned. Who the hell came knocking on people's doors at 6:30 in the morning? He shook his head to clear it and slowly maneuvered himself to his hands and knees, careful of his bulging belly. Oh, right. All ninjas were awake at 6:30. He himself had been given maternity leave, but the others would hardly be on his schedule.  
  
The knock came again. Naruto braced himself, then shoved himself to his knees. He pulled one foot out from under him and placed it flat on the ground. With a mighty heave, he got to his feet and wobbled there for a minute, regaining his balance. His back hurt. The knock came again.  
  
"I'm coming, I'm coming!" he snarled at the door, pulling on his bathrobe and rubbing at his eyes. "Jeez, give a pregnant woman a break." He thought for a moment. "Pregnant man, I mean." He thought for a moment more, then decided to put the question of which was worse to call himself away for later. Rubbing his belly to soothe it--the little bugger got violent when it was disturbed--he padded to his front door and opened it to face Kiba and Shino, who were standing on the other side.  
  
"Good morning?" he said, confused. Why were they here? Had they come to make fun of him? Well, if they did, he was still Uzumaki Naruto, Leaf Village's #1 Ninja, and he would kick their asses even while pregnant!  
  
"Hey, Naruto," Kiba said. Kuromaru yipped in polite greeting. Shino nodded.  
  
Naruto stepped back and opened the door a little further. "Would you like to come in?" he said. It seemed like a polite thing to do, and on second thought fighting while pregnant didn't seem at all appealing, especially against guys as powerful as he knew Kiba and Shino to be.  
  
"Actually, we were just on our way out to meet Hinata and Kurenai for a mission," Kiba explained, fiddling with something in one of his pockets. "But we thought we'd stop by and drop some things off."  
  
Naruto narrowed his eyes in confusion. Drop things off? What did they mean?  
  
"So, here," Kiba said, drawing something out of his pocket. It was a bright purple ball. Kiba squeezed it; it emitted a a quacking sound similar to a duck's. Naruto took it, still confused. Why was Kiba giving him a dog toy?  
  
"It's for the baby," Kiba explained, looking pleased with himself. Kuromaru yipped, and Kiba scratched her ears. "Don't worry, Kuromaru, I didn't forget." He reached into another pocket and brought out a hot water bottle, which he also handed to Naruto. "Here, this is from Kuromaru. And I think some other people are planning on bringing more stuff later today, so don't go out, OK?"  
  
"Ah, thanks," Naruto said, still somewhat perplexed. For years, these people had despised him, and now they were giving him gifts? He knew they'd grown more accepting of him through their years of fighting and training together, but he'd never suspected...  
  
He felt tears come to his eyes. They cared! They really, really cared! Even if it was a dog toy!  
  
"Well, we gotta get going," Kiba said, "so see you later, Naruto!" He bounded off down the hallway to the stairwell, leaving Naruto and Shino in the dust. Shino raised an eyebrow in what Naruto interpreted as amusement, reached into his own pocket, and drew something out. It was a stuffed ladybug with googly eyes that tinkled musically when shaken. Naruto hugged it to himself along with his other two gifts.  
  
"Thank you!" he yelled to Shino, who was walking sedately down the hall. Shino raised a hand in acknowledgment, then turned the corner into the stairwell. Naruto leaned against the doorframe, happier than he'd been in a long time. "Thank you," he murmured to himself.  
  
~ Part B: Hinata's True Feelings, Revealed! ~  
  
Later that day, as Naruto was having his midmorning ramen, he heard a shy knock on his door. He hurried to answer it, and as he'd guessed it was Hinata.  
  
"Hi, Hinata!" he said cheerfully, blinking when she immediately thrust a package at him. He took it and unwrapped it. Inside were three or four infant-sized jumpsuits in varying shades of orange, with matching cloth diapers.  
  
"Naruto-kun, I... I knitted those myself. I hope you like them," she said, twiddling her fingers. Naruto grinned.  
  
"I love them!" he said. "Thanks! And thanks again, 'cause you're just about the only person in the village who still calls me -kun." Hinata blushed and looked away. On impulse, Naruto drew her into a hug, an action made difficult by his bulging belly. After a minute, he let her go. She looked at him for a second, face flushed. Then she cupped his face with her hands and kissed him.  
  
It was a chaste kiss, lasting only a second before Hinata released him and fled down the hall. Naruto watched her rush down the stairs, then reentered his apartment and shut the door. His head was spinning as he set Hinata's gift down on the kitchen table with Kiba's and Shino's.  
  
Hinata... liked girls?  
  
~ Part C: The Gardener and the Grump ~  
  
The next knock came as Naruto was boiling water for yet more ramen. Scowling, he turned off the burner and padded to the door, where he was greeted by an enthusiastic Ino followed by what appeared to be a giant floating bouquet.  
  
"Hi Naruto!" she chirped.  
  
"Hi Ino," he answered, perplexed. "Ah, what--"  
  
"Mind if I come in?" she asked. When Naruto moved automatically to the side she waltzed in, inspecting each area of the apartment carefully. "Lets see..." she murmured. "I'll put those there, and those here, and maybe use a little of that for right here--"  
  
"Ah, Ino?" Naruto said, but was ignored. The bouquet continued to float, though on closer inspection it appeared to have legs.  
  
"OK, it's all settled, then," Ino said, clapping her hands together. "Hey you, bring them over here!"  
  
The bouquet floated in Ino's general direction, cursing as it bumped into the table. Once it had passed him and he'd gotten over his shock, Naruto was surprised to see a telltale shaggy ponytail hidden beneath the foliage.  
  
"Shikamaru, is that you?" he asked.  
  
"Yeah," Shikamaru answered, his voice muffled but still audible. Naruto watched Ino curiously as she took various brightly-colored flowers off of the giant pile in Shikamaru's arms and positioned them in what seemed like completely random places.  
  
"Be sure to move these ones before you cook anything," Ino said, humming to herself as she scattered some red ones on the stove.  
  
"Ah," Naruto tried again, "what exactly are you doing?"  
  
"This is a tradition in my family," Ino said, removing a large bunch of blue flowers and holding them against the window to test their placement. "A woman should be surrounded with beautiful flowers when she's pregnant, and the baby will grow up to be beautiful too."  
  
"Uh, OK," Naruto said. "But how does that work?"  
  
"It's a tradition," Ino explained. "It doesn't have to make sense to work, it just does. And besides, aren't I living proof that it does work?" Ino tossed her--admittedly gorgeous--hair to drive the point home, then continued her task. Shikamaru sighed.  
  
"You think you could get rid of these weeds in front of my face anytime soon?" he said. "They're tickling my nose."  
  
"They're not weeds, Shikamaru, they're daffodils," Ino said, "and if you sneeze on them... you know what'll happen. Or what won't happen."  
  
"But the only reason I came here in the first place was because you were gonna--"  
  
"Your choice."  
  
The bouquet dipped slightly as Shikamaru gave in.  
  
"God, I hate women."  
  
"Love you too, Shikamaru."  
  
~ Part D: Love is Like Beef--It's Ultimately Bad for You, But Nice While It  
Lasts ~  
  
A while later, as Naruto was just settling down for his after-lunch nap, he heard another knock on his door. Careful not to disturb the flowers that littered every surface in his apartment, he padded to the front door. On the other side was Chouji, smiling over a large cloth bag. Behind him was another bag, this one even larger. As had the bouquet before it, it appeared to be floating. Used to the routine by now, Naruto stepped aside and let Chouji in. He put his bag down on the table.  
  
"Hey, bring it over here!" he called. The giant floating bag of whatever it was, made it's way over to the table, cursing as it bumped into it.  
  
"...Shikamaru, is that you again?" Naruto asked.  
  
"Yup," Shikamaru grumbled as he set his burden down. Chouji untied the knot holding his bag closed and started taking various cans and bottles from it. Naruto picked one up and stared at it, puzzled.  
  
"NatalNin?" he asked.  
  
"This is all health food for your pregnancy," Chouji said. "It's important to maintain proper nutrition when you're pregnant, you know, or else your kid'll grow up to be weak and puny." Chouji removed the last of the items from his own bag and began ferrying the items into the cupboards. Shikamaru watched disinterestedly, drawing an irritated glance from Chouji.  
  
"Hey, Shikamaru, you gonna just sit there all day? Help me out with this."  
  
"Fine," Shikamaru said, starting to slowly unpack his own burden. "This is such a pain. I'm only here 'cause I'm your friend, anyway." Naruto felt his high spirits sink slightly at the declaration.  
  
"Stop whining," Chouji said. "You're not the one who's pregnant."  
  
"Thank god for small favors," Shikamaru agreed, about halfway finished with his unpacking.  
  
"And anyway, you're only in such a bad mood because Ino didn't--"  
  
"Shut up."  
  
~ Part E: Team Happy Appears! ~  
  
Naruto had only been napping for thirty minutes when he was woken by yet another knock on his door. Grumbling, he made his way to the door. As much as he appreciated the gifts and the thoughts, these people had the worst timing he'd ever seen. His mood wasn't improved when he opened the door and found Hyuuga Neji scowling at him. Sure, the guy had gotten a lot better over the years, but he was still a jerk occasionally, and today looked to be one of those days.  
  
"Yes?" Naruto said.  
  
"Hello," Neji answered. He looked over to the stairway and blinked. "You didn't have to carry it all, idiot."  
  
"No," came a voice from the hall. "I told you, Neji, I've got it."  
  
"At least let me take the bedding, Lee," came another voice, this one female. "It's falling off the top."  
  
Naruto peered into the hall. TenTen was walking down the hall, carrying a large number of blankets and pillows, and what appeared to be a small mattress. Beside her was a giant floating pile of yellow-painted boards; Naruto guessed the legs sticking out from the bottom belonged to Rock Lee.  
  
"You gonna let us in or what?" Neji asked, trying to sound civil and failing. Naruto let him in, then went to help Lee. Or, rather, he tried to. Neji stopped him with a hand on his shoulder before he could get out the door. "Don't even ask," he said. "He won't let you. Believe me, I tried." Naruto looked at him in surprise and realized that the hand on his shoulder was thickly-bound with bandages.  
  
"What happened to your hand?" Naruto asked.  
  
"Tree fell on me," Neji said. He gestured to the inside of Naruto's apartment with his free hand. "So, where do you want this stuff?"  
  
Naruto was tempted to ask what use he could possibly have for a bunch of wood, but decided he didn't really want to pick a fight, what with himself pregnant and Neji in a bad mood. He looked around his apartment, trying to find room in the clutter for Lee to put the boards down. Finding very little, and with Lee drawing closer, he resorted to shoving the table and its accompanying flowers into a corner. And none too soon; as soon as he'd done so, Lee struggled through the door, followed closely by TenTen, who was trying to keep the boards balanced in addition to dealing with her own load.  
  
"Lee--damnit, Lee!" Neji said irritably. "Watch where you're going--you almost hit the door frame."  
  
"I can't see," Lee admitted.  
  
"That's why you should've let us take some," TenTen said. "Really, Lee..."  
  
Working together, Naruto, Neji and TenTen managed to guide Lee to the corner Naruto had cleared out earlier, only squishing a bouquet or two of Ino's carefully-placed flowers. Once all the boards and bedding were safely on the floor, Lee stood up, wiping at his brow.  
  
"Hi, Naruto!" he said cheerfully, if a bit out of breath. "We heard about your, uh, problem, from Gai-sensei." He gestured to the boards. "So we decided to make you a cradle."  
  
Naruto was stunned. They'd gone to all that trouble, all that expense, just for him? "Where--Where did you get the wood?" he asked.  
  
"We chopped it ourselves," Neji answered.  
  
"You guys..." Naruto said, feeling himself tearing up again. He forced the tears away. He wasn't going to cry, not now! But then TenTen patted him on the shoulder and they came right back.  
  
"Don't worry about it," she said, smiling reassuringly. "We learned stuff from this too. Like," she shot a teasing glance at Neji, "how you shouldn't try to chop down trees with your chakra alone."  
  
"How was I supposed to know it was weak on my side?" Neji grumbled. Lee grinned at his long-time rival's irritation.  
  
"You do have the tools with you, though, don't you?" he asked. "Though I can understand if you left them behind, what with your poor injured hand and all."  
  
Neji raised an eyebrow at Lee. "You've gotten sassy in your old age," he said. "And the tools are right here." He gestured to a bag at his side.  
  
"You've just gotten old," Lee said, then struck a pose. "Come! Let us apply our youthful vigor to this project, so that we may help our friend, who has fallen victim to his own ultramodern attitude!"  
  
"Lee," TenTen said, separating the boards into piles by size and shape, "you scare me sometimes. Do you realize how much like Gai-sensei you sound?"  
  
"That's a bad thing?" Lee asked, puzzled.  
  
"Let's just get this over with," Neji said, removing the bag from his shoulder. He glanced at Naruto. "It should only take us an hour or so. You should rest. Though I'm not sure you'll be able to, what with all this racket." He inclined his head towards his cohorts, who were arguing quietly.  
  
"I still think we should've painted them pink," TenTen said, frowning slightly.  
  
"But what if it turns out to be a boy?" Lee retorted. "No man, no matter how small, wants to be housed in a pink room."  
  
"Pink is a manly color," TenTen said. "And anyway, what about Sakura? You like pink when it's on her." Her smile took on a teasing edge.  
  
Lee blushed. "Sakura-san's different. And I still think they should've been green."  
  
Naruto sighed and nodded. "I'll try," he said. Neji nodded in return, then bent down next to his teammates.  
  
"You know, this is a stupid argument," he said. "We've already painted them."  
  
"True," TenTen said thoughtfully. Naruto left the room, entered his bedroom and sunk down onto the futon. He squirmed around, trying to get himself comfortable.  
  
"But green is the color of youth and vitality! What better color could there be for a baby?" Lee's exclamation was soon followed by the loud, rhythmic pounding of three hammers working simultaneously.  
  
Naruto groaned and pulled his pillow over his face. Why them? Why him? And most of all, why pregnancy?  
  
~ Part F: You're My Friend Too ~  
  
The pounding, grating and occasional cursing sounds from his front room kept Naruto from sleeping, which was just as well when he heard yet another knock on his door over the loud noises.  
  
"Yes?" he said as he opened the door, prepared to kill whoever was on the other side. Why couldn't they just let him get some sleep? That was all he wanted. That was all!  
  
"Hey, Naruto," Shikamaru said, his hands behind his back. Naruto took a deep breath and forced himself to calm down. When that didn't work he took another. He started to count backwards from ten, but stopped when Shikamaru spoke again.  
  
"I know you've probably been trying to get to sleep all day," he said, "so I'll make this quick." With that, he took his hands out from behind his back. Naruto stared at the item he held, dazzled. It was a beautiful mobile made out of multicolored fragments of glass. When it shook or spun, it caught the light wonderfully, spraying a colorful pattern onto the wall.  
  
"It's not actually glass," Shikamaru continued. "Just some pieces from old plastic bottles I found. You can hang it above the cradle; the edges aren't sharp, so even if it does fall, the baby should be all right."  
  
Naruto stared at him. "Shikamaru?" he asked. Shikamaru blinked.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Why'd you do something like that? All day you've been saying, 'oh, I'm only here because Ino said so.' Or 'I'm only here 'cause Chouji's my friend.' So... why?"  
  
Shikamaru looked away, trying to look nonchalant and not quite succeeding. "Well..." he said. "You're my friend too, right?"  
  
Naruto put his hands to his mouth. He bit his lip. Then he gave into his impulse and grabbed Shikamaru around the waist, hugging him tightly.  
  
"Hey, hey!" Shikamaru protested, holding the mobile out of harm's way, but Naruto ignored him. Shikamaru was his friend! He couldn't be irritated anymore; it wasn't their fault they always showed up just as he was about to do something. He could forgive anyone anything, if they were his friend!  
  
He snuggled closer to Shikamaru and heard him sigh. "Ino's gonna kill me for this..." he muttered, then slid his free arm around Naruto and hugged him back.  
  
~ Part G: Well, What Else Would Kakashi Give Him? ~  
  
Gai's team left soon enough, the cradle fully assembled. They had even attached the mobile and scattered a few flowers on the bedding. Naruto gazed at it with a tired smile, sitting on his couch. The afternoon sun shone golden through his window, and he had yet to get any real sleep. Ah, well, he thought, might as well wait until evening.  
  
"But in the meantime," he said, "it's ramen time!" He groaned as he attempted to push himself into a standing position. After a few tries, his legs gave out and he gave up. He rubbed his abdomen ruefully. What was it about this baby? It had only been a month since he'd found out about his pregnancy, but it felt like the baby had grown enough for three. The thing must've gained five pounds just that day!  
  
Naruto's hand stilled as a horrible thought crossed his mind. Suppose he was having twins? Or even triplets?  
  
"Yo," said Kakashi, his smiling face only inches from Naruto's.  
  
Naruto stared at him for a second. Then he screamed.  
  
"What's wrong?" Kakashi asked, pretending to be hurt. "I kept the mask on, see?"  
  
"Kakashi-sensei, don't do that!" Naruto panted, still trying to get over the near-heart attack he'd had at his teacher's sudden appearance.  
  
"Hey, sneaking in is easier and quicker than knocking." Kakashi eyed Naruto's semi-helpless state. "And I doubt you'd wanna get up again."  
  
Naruto sighed. "Kakashi-sensei, can you?" he asked, extending a hand.  
  
"Sure," said Kakashi, and was just about to pull Naruto to his feet when there was a loud pounding at the door.  
  
"Kakashi! I know you're in there!"  
  
Kakashi sighed. "Hang on a moment, Naruto," he said, then made his way to the door and opened it. Gai bounded in, all energy and sparkles.  
  
"So," he asked, "did it work?"  
  
Naruto eyed him confusedly. "Did what work?"  
  
"My plan!" Gai said, making a quick round of the apartment. Naruto turned to Kakashi.  
  
"Kakashi-sensei, what's he talking about?"  
  
"Oh, that," Kakashi answered. "This whole thing was his idea."  
  
"You mean, the gifts?"  
  
"Yup."  
  
"Hmm..." Gai said, scrutinizing one of Naruto's cupboards. "NatalNin, that's good." He shut the cupboard and crossed the room to the cradle. "I see they went with my suggestion for the color." He shook it gently. "And it's well-put-together." He turned to Kakashi and smiled glintily. "Looks like I win, Kakashi! That makes it 72-71! And Naruto! Congratulations on your impending, uh, motherhood!" With that, he gave Naruto a thumbs-up and left. Kakashi rolled his eyes.  
  
"Sure, whatever," he said, digging around in his waist pouch. "Ah, here it is. Congratulations on the new arrival."  
  
He handed Naruto a small, rectangular package wrapped in plain brown paper. Naruto tore the wrapping open, then stared at the item inside.  
  
"Kakashi-sensei," he said.  
  
"Yes?" Kakashi asked, his single visible eye shining happily.  
  
"What kind of pervert do you think I am?" Naruto said, clenching his hand into a fist. If only he could get up, he'd kick Kakashi's ass!  
  
"What?" Kakashi face fell. "You don't like it?"  
  
"Of course I don't like it!" Naruto yelled. "What kind of sicko gives their student a book called 'Come Come Pregnancy?'"  
  
"What's wrong with it?" he asked. "Pregnant people get horny too, you know. I just thought you might want some instruction on how to do it without exhausting yourself too much, especially if you and Sasuke finally get over your little argument."  
  
"Instruction? Instruction? Why would I want to have sex now? And even if I did, no way in hell would I do it with that jerk Sa--"  
  
Naruto was interrupted by a curt knock at his door. He exhaled an exasperated breath and looked at Kakashi helplessly. Kakashi sighed.  
  
"Want me to get it for you?" he said. Naruto nodded. Kakashi made his way to the door and opened it, his broad frame blocking Naruto's view of whoever was at the door. Naruto narrowed his eyes as he saw Kakashi's back tense in shock. Was it an enemy, someone planning to get him while he was pregnant and helpless? He relaxed somewhat as he saw Kakashi do so, but remained alert. Kakashi had a quick, quiet conversation with whoever was at the door, then turned to Naruto and smiled.  
  
"Well, Naruto," he said, "I'm off. See you around."  
  
He slipped past the person at the door. The baby in Naruto's belly suddenly kicked at him, painfully so. He doubled over, clutching his stomach. The door shut, but didn't look up: if Kakashi had left him alone with this person, it had to be someone safe. He rubbed his belly, trying to calm the baby down. Whoever it was walked over to him, stopped, then sat down on the coffee table in front of him.  
  
"Hey, idiot, you OK?"  
  
Naruto froze. Only one person ever called him idiot anymore, and that voice... He slowly looked up and found himself staring into the eyes of the person he'd been avoiding for a month.  
  
Uchiha Sasuke had come to visit.  
  
~*~ To Be Continued ~*~ 


	11. Maternal Instincts

Disclaimers are still in the first chapter.  
  
I'm glad everyone seems to be enjoying this! I'm having a lot of fun writing it, too. Don't worry, it will eventually get finished. Just gotta work around school, you know? Either way, here's the next chapter.  
  
~*~ Maternal Instincts ~*~  
  
Sakura sighed. Who would've thought that buying a nursing bra would be so hard? Sure, she knew Naruto's cup and band size, that was easy. But what color? And there were so many different types, each one promising something miraculous. Since when could a bra improve chakra flow?  
  
She crossed her arms and considered the problem logically. Fact one: she had no idea which of these so-called "benefits" would be most beneficial for her teammate. Fact two: she had no idea which of the "benefits" Naruto would prefer to have. Fact three: she'd just gotten paid for her latest mission with Kakashi and Sasuke. Conclusion: she'd buy one of each and let Naruto sort them out later. He'd need more than one, anyway.  
  
Of course, that was assuming Naruto remained a woman after the birth. Sakura was reasonably sure he would--he'd been stuck in the form long before he'd gotten pregnant, after all. Still, a part of her nagged that she shouldn't waste so much hard-earned money on someone who might not even be able to use it.  
  
"And he wouldn't appreciate it anyway!" Inner Sakura added, without conviction.  
  
Sakura stretched her arms over her head as she contemplated the decision once more, then started taking down one of each type of bra and placing them in her basket. Naruto would appreciate the effort. He seemed to appreciate anything she did for him, especially now. His thank-you's when she brought him lunch occasionally were... enthusiastic, to say the least.  
  
"That's because he still wants to--" Sakura interrupted her inner voice by singing a song to herself, a song her own mother had sung to her when she'd been a little girl.  
  
"Getsuyoobi waratteru, Gera gera gera gera waratteru O-tsukisama wa ki ga hen da O-tsukisama wa ki ga hen da."  
  
She hummed the next verse as she deposited the last bra into her basket, pleased that she's managed to calm Inner Sakura for the moment. Her thoughts turned from Naruto himself to his child, and she smiled. How exciting, that one of her teammates was going to be a father! Well, maybe a mother. Either way, a parent! She contemplated her own future, and her smile fell somewhat. Would she ever have children herself? She wanted to, but so many things stood in the way.  
  
One: she was a ninja. That meant she could die before ever having children, or an injury could leave her barren. And there was always the question of fertility anyway; her menstrual cycle had always been a bit irregular, some months not showing its face at all, a function of her extremely low proportion of body fat. Second: she didn't want to give up her career to have children, but after a pregnancy she might never get back into top form. Not only that, but someone would have to be home with the kids, and since she couldn't envision herself married to anyone not a ninja, that would force one of them to retire, possibly causing problems within the marriage.  
  
Third, and most specific: Uchiha Sasuke, the guy she'd loved for years and had never quite given up on, was not available, and possibly never had been.  
  
"'Cause Naruto stole him!" Inner Sakura raged. "Why the hell are you doing stuff like this for him when he stole your man?"  
  
"Because," she answered aloud, "Sasuke-kun's not the only leaf in the forest." She smiled as she thought of Lee, who'd been pursuing her for nearly as long as she'd been pursuing Sasuke. "Maybe I'll give him a shot," she murmured as she approached the counter to pay for the items.  
  
The saleslady raised an eyebrow when Sakura dumped her burden onto the counter, then started ringing up the sale and stuffing the bras into a large paper bag.  
  
"Expecting, are we?" the saleslady asked.  
  
"Not for a while," Sakura answered, still preoccupied with Lee and the possibilities he presented.  
  
"Oh, really?" The saleslady paused a moment. "When's it due?"  
  
"Actually, I don't know. We don't know when the fertilization occurred."  
  
"Is that so." The saleslady's tone was disapproving, and Sakura brought herself back to the present. The woman sighed as she placed the last bra into the bag. "It's a shame. Young people these days, just can't wait. How old are you, dear?"  
  
"Sixteen," Sakura answered automatically. The woman clicked her tongue as she added up the total for the purchase.  
  
"Waitaminute," Inner Sakura rumbled, newly wakened from her nap. "What is she thinking?"  
  
"Ma'am," Sakura said, "I'm not the one who's pregnant. These are for a friend. Who's much older. And a woman."  
  
"Oh, really," said the saleslady. "That'll be 5000."  
  
"Smooth, Sakura," Inner Sakura said sarcastically as Sakura handed over the money. "Still, what the hell is with this lady? Does she really think I'd ever let myself get pregnant? Only Naruto would do something like that. Stupid boy."  
  
She giggled at the absurdity of the statement, causing the saleslady to back away from her as much as the counter would let her. She smiled menacingly, then leaned over the counter. The saleslady cowered, her hand hovering over the panic button. Then Sakura took her bag and left the counter. A quick look over her shoulder confirmed that the saleslady was still quivering.  
  
"Serves her right," Inner Sakura crowed. Sakura made her way to the front of the store and was about to exit when she caught sight of a familiar face in the maternity section. She hurried to his side, clutching her bag closely so as not to forget it.  
  
"Iruka-sensei!" she called. He smiled at her in greeting.  
  
"Haruno Sakura," he said. "I haven't seen you in a while."  
  
"Nope," Sakura answered. She waited. Iruka waited. The silence extended into uncomfortability. Sakura thought about dropping a smoke bomb and escaping in the confusion, as she doubted Iruka would have one on him.  
  
"Hell no," Inner Sakura growled. "You started this, you're gonna finish it, damnit!"  
  
"So, Iruka-sensei," she said, "why're you here? Shopping for Naruto too?"  
  
"Huh?" he asked. "Oh, yes." He held up a light-blue maternity dress he'd been eyeing in the silence. "Actually, I could use your help. Do you think this would match Naruto's eyes?"  
  
Sakura took a close look. "Yeah, I think so," she said, "but it's too small. He's not twelve years old, you know."  
  
Iruka sighed. "Right. I sometimes forget that." He placed the dress back on the rack and picked out another, larger one. "This one?"  
  
"That'd be better."  
  
Iruka folded the dress over his arm and moved onto another rack. "I wonder if he'd like an orange one..." he murmured. Sakura silently observed him finger through the various brightly-colored dresses.  
  
"Why don't you have kids of your own, Iruka-sensei?" she finally asked.  
  
"What makes you ask that?" he asked, holding a yellowish-orange muumuu up to the light. "And do you think this'll clash with Naruto's hair?"  
  
"Not at all," Sakura answered. "And I'm asking because... well, I don't really know. I've just always thought that you'd be a good parent. And right now I'm getting the sense that you really want them. So why not?"  
  
Iruka sighed and folded the muumuu over his arm with the others in his collection. "It's... hard to explain, Sakura. You know I'm an orphan, right?"  
  
Sakura nodded. Though it hadn't been common knowledge in the village, Naruto had let it slip once while ranting about how great Iruka was. Iruka glanced at her and continued.  
  
"Well, I'm also a ninja, and despite being a teacher safe here in the village, the mortality rate is very high." Sakura nodded again. She was beginning to see the point. "Well, suppose I have kids. One day, I get sent off on a mission and don't come back. What happens to the kids?"  
  
"They grow up without a father," Sakura answered, understanding her former teacher's predicament. Iruka nodded.  
  
"And possibly a mother as well. Do you see, Sakura? I can't put my kids through what I went through. It'd be selfish and cruel."  
  
Iruka hugged his dresses to himself, head bowed. Sakura remained silent, mulling over his words. Maybe it was cruel for ninjas to have children.  
  
"Or maybe," Inner Sakura said, "this guy is just a loony."  
  
"So that's why you put so much effort into teaching, Iruka-sensei?" she asked to distract herself from her inner monologue.  
  
"Yeah," he said. "Here, I'm gonna go pay for these."  
  
"I'll go with you," Sakura said, falling into step beside him. "Especially Naruto, huh? 'Cause he's an orphan too?"  
  
Iruka nodded. "I tried to talk to Sasuke, too, but he wouldn't let me in. You know how he is."  
  
"I know."  
  
"Speaking of Naruto and Sasuke, do you happen to know what their fight was about?" Iruka asked as they got to the counter. The saleslady eyed Sakura warily, but took the dresses without comment. "I know Naruto's still upset about it, but he won't say why, or even what they were fighting over."  
  
"Um," Sakura wibbled, her mind racing. What should she tell him? On the one hand, if Iruka didn't know already, it'd be a huge betrayal of trust to tell him, especially if Naruto didn't want him to know. On the other hand...  
  
"That'll be 7000," said the saleslady, breaking Sakura out of her reverie. Iruka handed over the money and took the bag. The two of them walked out of the store, where Iruka paused and turned to Sakura curiously.  
  
"Sakura? You still haven't answered my question."  
  
"Huh? Oh, right. Their fight." It was the moment of truth. She'd never quite figured out what the other hand was. Fortunately, Inner Sakura provided the answer at that moment.  
  
"On the other hand," Inner Sakura raged, "Naruto stole your man!"  
  
"Hell yeah to a little revenge," Sakura answered quietly.  
  
"What was that?" Iruka asked. Sakura smiled sweetly at him.  
  
"Oh, nothing. And to answer your question: Naruto and Sasuke are mad at each other because Sasuke is the father of Naruto's child."  
  
The air between them suddenly grew very, very dangerous.  
  
"So he did, did he?" Iruka said, staring off into the distance. He clutched his bag tightly, knuckles white.  
  
"Ah, Iruka-sensei, don't do anything rash--" He turned to her, and the smile on his face gave her the chills.  
  
"Don't worry, I won't. I know how to control my temper, Sakura."  
  
"Yeah right," Inner Sakura said.  
  
"Would you happen to know where Sasuke is?" Iruka continued. "I'd like to... talk to him a bit. About responsibility."  
  
Sakura couldn't move. The killing aura in the area was so strong that a burly mastiff on the other side of the street ran away, whimpering. Iruka's eyes, focused solely on her, were so intent she wondered whether he'd focused chakra into them. What had she done now? All she wanted was a little bit of revenge on Naruto, and somehow she'd consigned Sasuke to death... or worse.  
  
"You know where he is, don't you, Sakura?" Iruka hissed. "Tell me. Don't worry, I won't hurt him. Too much. Certainly not enough to kill," he thought for a moment, "though crippling is a distinct possibility."  
  
"He's at Naruto's place!" Sakura blurted out, then covered her mouth in panic.  
  
"Thanks!" Iruka said sweetly, then waved to her and bounded off. Sakura shook for a few moments, completely overwhelmed by the aura of fear and its sudden removal. Once she got herself semi-under control, Inner Sakura spoke up.  
  
"You idiot!" she screamed. "Now you've gotten Sasuke killed! Think he'll ever ask you out now? I bet he's--"  
  
"Shut up!" she said aloud. "I have to think."  
  
OK. The facts. One: there was no way she could take on Iruka with that aura, so stopping him was out of the question. Two: Sasuke, though, might stand a fighting chance, if he wasn't taken by surprise. Three: she knew Naruto's phone number.  
  
Conclusion: call Naruto's apartment and tell Sasuke to get the hell out of there.  
  
Decision made, she scuttled off to find a pay phone, praying she would make it in time.  
  
~*~ To Be Continued ~*~ 


	12. Pins, Needles and Kunai Weddings

Disclaimers are in the first chapter.  
  
Ah, another week of school, done. And to celebrate, I return to the plot I left hanging a chapter or two ago!  
  
~*~ Pins, Needles, and Kunai Weddings ~*~  
  
Naruto was curled around his abdomen as if in pain, but Sasuke quickly snuffed the concern he felt. He wasn't going to forgive Naruto, not yet. Not until he got an apology from the blonde idiot.  
  
"Hey, idiot, you OK?" he asked. Naruto looked up and his eyes widened in shock. Sasuke smirked. Stupid Naruto, who did he think it'd be? It wasn't like he had a big fanclub or anything. Now, if Sasuke were pregnant, his house would be filled with girls, all slavishly doing his bidding.  
  
Not that Sasuke liked girls, or wanted to be pregnant. But if he could rub it in somehow during this conversation, he would.  
  
"I'm fine, asshole," Naruto said, crossing his arms over his chest and looking away.  
  
Sasuke narrowed his eyes. "What's wrong with you? You haven't seen me in a month, you could at least say hi."  
  
"Hi."  
  
Sasuke clenched his fist. "You know," he said testily, "I came here for a reason."  
  
Naruto looked at him out of the corner of his eye. "What's that?"  
  
"I'm not telling. Not until you apologize to me for lying to Kakashi- sensei and Sakura."  
  
Naruto didn't answer for a long, long moment. Sasuke waited as long as he could stand, then stood with a huff. Fine. If Naruto was going to be a stubborn prick, so was he. He wasn't going to stick around if Naruto wasn't going to admit he was wrong. No way. He made his way to the door and was about to exit the apartment when a small sound from behind him made him turn around.  
  
Naruto was hugging himself. His shoulders shook. He gazed at Sasuke with a sincerity that shook him to his core.  
  
And he was crying.  
  
"N-Naruto?" Sasuke said. In all his years of training with Naruto, he'd never seen him cry, and the sight of it now pulled at his heartstrings like very little could anymore.  
  
"I'm s-sorry," Naruto whimpered. "I'm so sorry, Sasuke..."  
  
Sasuke crossed the room as if in a trance and sat down next to Naruto. Naruto continued sobbing.  
  
"Hey..." Sasuke said, tapping Naruto on the shoulder. What was he supposed to do? He didn't know how to deal with crying women! "Hey, Naruto--hey!"  
  
Naruto had latched onto him, clutching Sasuke like he would disappear. Well, Sasuke thought sarcastically, it wouldn't be the first time. Naruto buried his face in Sasuke's shoulder, pressing his torso to Sasuke's arm.  
  
Sasuke froze, then blushed. Wasn't this what he'd wanted? Naruto clinging to him, needing him? It felt so wrong, though. Feeling the tears soaking his shirt was almost as wrong as feeling Naruto's soft, unfettered breasts against his elbow. Naruto wasn't supposed to have breasts, nor was he supposed to be crying. He was supposed to be laughing and cheerful and determined and male, not... not not all those things.  
  
Sasuke narrowed his eyes. He was not about to have his fantasy ruined by this stupid reality. So, how to make the two one and the same? He thought some more. His mind inadvertently fluttered back to a movie he'd seen on TV before he'd left Leaf Village for the first time. He didn't remember much of it, as it had been a "chick flick" and as an avenger he wasn't supposed to like such things, but he did remember one particular scene vividly. The woman had been crying, and the man had pulled her into his lap and hugged her, and then they'd had sex. Sasuke smiled. Looked like today was his lucky day.  
  
Pulling Naruto onto his lap proved more difficult than the movie had made it seem, as Naruto was significantly heavier than the waif-like girl on the screen. He was also significantly more rotund, putting a damper on Sasuke's fantasy. The thought of sex with a female, pregnant Naruto was a definite turnoff. Still, Naruto seemed to appreciate his efforts; he snuggled in under Sasuke's chin, a position Sasuke suddenly found himself very, very fond of.  
  
"I'm sorry, Sasuke," Naruto sniffled. "It's just... it's so hard. I didn't know what to do. I still don't. I shouldn't be pregnant, Sasuke. I just shouldn't."  
  
Sasuke lowered his face, inhaling the scent of Naruto's hair as his rubbed Naruto's back in what he guessed was a soothing manner. His other arm stole about Naruto's waist. "I know," he said. "It must be hard for you."  
  
Naruto nodded, stilling as his last few sobs died down. They remained like that for a time, and then Sasuke spoke again.  
  
"Listen, Naruto..." he started, then blinked as Naruto raised his head. Sasuke instinctively tightened his grip on Naruto's shoulder as their gazes met.  
  
"Yes, Sasuke?" Naruto asked. Sasuke took a deep breath, then regretted it. The taste of Naruto and ramen in the air reminded him how close they were, and the urge to kiss the other boy was unbearable.  
  
"I--I was thinking," Sasuke said, then took a second to compose himself. "You know that one of my goals in life is to restore my clan, right?"  
  
"Yeah," Naruto answered. Then he scowled. "Don't even think about it, Sasuke. I'm not getting pregnant again."  
  
Sasuke forced down a bubble of laughter and tucked Naruto's head under his chin again. "That's not what I was thinking, idiot. What I was thinking... I just wanted to..."  
  
"Go on.  
  
"I was thinking, um..."  
  
Naruto raised his head again. "Sasuke?" he asked. "What are you saying?"  
  
Sasuke bopped him on the back of the head. "I'm trying to say... I'm sorry, too." He immediately kicked himself for not saying what he'd meant to. What was it about Naruto that had him saying things he didn't mean to say, doing things he didn't mean to do?  
  
Naruto's mouth dropped open. His eyes shimmered. "Sasuke..." he said quietly as he drifted forward. Sasuke's eyes widened. This was even better than he'd planned! He must have completely won Naruto over! And he hadn't even needed to use his own version of "Sexy no Jutsu!" Naruto's mouth was only centimeters away. Sasuke held his breath...  
  
...and let it out in a whoosh when Naruto bypassed his lips entirely and instead gave him an enthusiastic hug. After spending a moment wallowing in his disappointment, Sasuke hugged him back. One step at a time, he reminded himself, one step at a time. He may have been female and pregnant, but Naruto was Naruto, and he'd take any chance he could get to be close to him. They stayed like that for a time, until Naruto shifted and Sasuke's left leg exploded in pain. He shoved Naruto onto the couch and stood up, shaking his leg around.  
  
"Shit, shit, shit--"  
  
"Sasuke, what's wrong? Are you OK?" Sasuke looked at Naruto, who was wringing his hands in concern. He managed a weak smile, but gasped as his right leg joined his left in protesting the severe blood deprivation he'd put them through. It was the worst case of pins-and-needles he'd ever experienced, including the fight against Haku.  
  
"I'm--I'm fine," he gritted out. "My legs just fell asleep, that's all."  
  
"I'm sorry." Sasuke glared at Naruto, who was looking down at his hands. What the hell was with him? He should be yelling at Sasuke about how it wasn't his fault. Why couldn't he be regular old Naruto? This was why he hated girls! They never stood up for themselves!  
  
"Shut up, idiot," he said. "It's not your fault you're so damn heavy."  
  
"Hey, are you calling me fat?" Naruto retorted.  
  
"Yeah. 'Cause you are, idiot!"  
  
"Well, at least I have a reason!" Naruto yelled. Sasuke smirked. This was more like it. "You're a jerk for no good reason!"  
  
"Oh yeah? I'll show you a good--" Sasuke was interrupted by a loud rumble and instinctively dove under the table. After a few moments of confusion, he realized that the sound had not been caused by an earthquake, but by Naruto's stomach.  
  
"Eh heh heh," Naruto said, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. "I was about to make some ramen before Kakashi-sensei came."  
  
Standing and shaking the last tingles from his legs, Sasuke nodded. "Where do you keep it?"  
  
Naruto smiled at him. "You gonna make me ramen?"  
  
"...Yeah."  
  
"Top cupboard on the right. Thanks, Sasuke. I couldn't get up before."  
  
Sasuke nodded and went to find the elusive food.  
  
"You want beef, pork or chicken?"  
  
"All three!"  
  
Sasuke took down one each of the prepackaged cups, rinsed out of of the dirty pots in the sink, filled it with water and set it on the stove. He turned on the burner and opened up the packages. His nose wrinkled when he peered inside.  
  
"Naruto," he called, "how can you eat something that's flavored with powder?"  
  
"'Cause it's good, that's why!" The sound of a ringing phone stopped him from saying more.  
  
Sasuke sighed and went to shut off the stove. "Where's your phone?"  
  
"Don't worry, I'll get it," Naruto answered. "It's right here." The phone rang again, and then there was a click as Naruto answered it. Sasuke noticed that the water was boiling and, ignoring an aunt's half-remembered exhortions against mixing meats, dumped the three ramen packages in. Besides, he reasoned, anything flavored with powder couldn't really be meat.  
  
"Hey hey, this is Uzumaki Naru--oh, Sakura-chan? Hi, Sakura-chan! What's up?" Sasuke smirked. This felt almost like they were a family alre--  
  
"One step at a time," he reminded himself.  
  
"Eh? Sasuke?" Sasuke was about to answer when Naruto continued. "Yeah, he's here. Why--hey, Sakura-chan, you're breaking up. What was that again?"  
  
Sasuke swirled the noodles around in the water with a pair of chopsticks he'd found in a drawer. The water was turning a disgusting yellow color. Sasuke wrinkled his nose. Wouldn't this kill the baby or something? He put the thought out of his mind and tuned back into Naruto's voice.  
  
"No, everything's all right on this end--Sakura-chan? What'd you say?" A pause. "Oh, Iruka-sensei's coming? Great! But why'd you want to talk to Sasuke for that?" There was a knock at the door. Sasuke set the kitchen timer to three minutes and made his way to the door. He paused when he spotted a purple ball on Naruto's kitchen table. Curious, he picked it up and squeezed it. It quacked.  
  
"Naruto," he called, "you do realize this is a dog toy, right?"  
  
"Yeah, I know. Kiba gave it to me. Now, what was that, Sakura-chan?"  
  
Sasuke put it down and hurried to the door when he heard another knock. Naruto mouthed "thanks" at him, then went back to his conversation with Sakura.  
  
"Hey, Sakura-chan, Iruka-sensei's here, so I'm gonna go now. See you later, OK? Bye!"  
  
"NO! WAIT--" Sasuke could hear Sakura's outburst from across the room. Naruto quickly hung up and motioned to the door.  
  
"I think it's Iruka-sensei, Sasuke. Would you let him in, please?"  
  
Sasuke nodded. "Not like you can move, idiot."  
  
"Hey, I can still kick your ass!"  
  
"Yeah, sure," Sasuke snorted as he opened the door.  
  
In less than a second, he was backing away from a furious Iruka, a kunai to his throat.  
  
"You," Iruka said, trembling with rage. "You, him, now!"  
  
"I-Iruka-sensei?" Naruto asked. Sasuke looked into Iruka's eyes and knew his time had come.  
  
"You!" Iruka barked. "Him!" He gestured to Naruto with his free hand. Sasuke edged his own hand toward his kunai holster, but aborted the movement when Iruka pressed his own kunai deeper into his throat. "Hands where I can see them!" Sasuke quickly put his hands against the wall above his shoulders. "And marry him, now!" Iruka continued.  
  
"What?" Naruto shouted. Sasuke, though silent, was of the same opinion. "What are you talking about, Iruka-sensei?"  
  
Iruka glared at Naruto. "He's the father, right?"  
  
Naruto met Sasuke's eyes, putting the decision of whether to tell the truth or not into his shoulders. Sasuke considered his options. On the one hand, if they told Iruka the truth, Sasuke doubted Iruka would let Naruto accept his help in raising the kid, especially considering Naruto's deception. The man was just too honest. On the other hand, if he told Iruka that he was indeed the father, he could very well end up in a kunai wedding, and while he did care for Naruto very much, he wasn't quite ready for that kind of commitment. And if he refused the wedding, he could very well end up dead.  
  
Still, the thought of a life married to Naruto wasn't too bad. He nodded slightly.  
  
"Ah, yeah, Iruka-sensei. He is," Naruto said.  
  
"Well, then," Iruka said, "he needs to take responsibility for his actions and marry you. It's the right thing to do."  
  
"But Iruka-sensei, we can't do that! I'm a boy!" Sasuke felt his heart drop at the distress in Naruto's voice. He'd made it sound like to marry Sasuke would be the end of his life.  
  
"You're a girl right now," Iruka retorted.  
  
"Well, I won't be after this pregnancy!"  
  
"What guarantee is there of that, Naruto?" Iruka's eyes softened, and he looked at Naruto pleadingly. "Who's to say you won't stay like that forever? And that doesn't change the fact that you'll be stuck with a child as a single parent. Do you want that kind of life, Naruto?" Naruto shook his head. "Then you should marry this guy," his hand tightened on the kunai, and Sasuke backed away as far as he possibly could, "while it's still legal."  
  
"But Iruka-sensei--"  
  
"No buts, Naruto. Get up, we're going to the Hokage."  
  
"Wait," Sasuke said. Iruka looked at him curiously. Sasuke took a deep breath and steeled himself. When it came down to it, he couldn't bind Naruto to himself, not if Naruto didn't genuinely want it. "Naruto and I don't have to get married. I've already offered to help him raise the kid."  
  
Iruka raised an eyebrow. "Is this true, Naruto?"  
  
Naruto blinked stupidly, then managed a tiny smile. "Ye-Yeah."  
  
There was a tense moment, and then Iruka reholstered the kunai. He coughed. "I... think I may have misjudged you, Sasuke. I apologize." He fell silent. "Well, I think I'll go now. And, ah, here. For you, Naruto." He dropped a shopping bag on the floor and was out the door before either Naruto or Sasuke could stop him.  
  
Naruto turned to Sasuke. "Sasuke," he said, dead serious for once, "did you mean what you just said?"  
  
After a short hesitation, Sasuke nodded. Naruto's eyes filled with tears. "Sasuke..." he said. Then he wiped at his eyes and grinned as an insistant beeping emanated from the kitchen. "I think the ramen's ready."  
  
Sasuke nodded, acknowledging his need for privacy. He turned the stove off and poured the ramen into a large bowl, which he handed to Naruto, along with the chopsticks he'd used to stir it. Then he made his way to the door.  
  
"Bye, Naruto," he said as he left, but Naruto was too busy contemplating something in his bowl to answer. Sasuke closed the door and leaned back against it before pushing himself into action. He left the apartment building and walked along the sunny side of the street, smiling softly. People around him gawked at the unusual event, but Sasuke paid them no mind. Today was a good day, and he was going to enjoy it. He looked up at the sky, feeling the sunshine warm his face and his soul.  
  
Suddenly, though, the sky darkened. The wind picked up.  
  
And then--you guessed it--it rained. Sasuke glared at the falling drops. "Oh, c'mon," he said. "Today was a good day. Why can't you leave me alone for once?"  
  
As if in answer to his prayers, he was hit in the eye by a falling hailstone.  
  
~*~ To Be Continued ~*~ 


	13. Pretty Like a Princess

Well, here we go again. Disclaimers are in the first chapter. We're approaching The End, and I hope you enjoy the remaining chapters as much as you seem to have enjoyed the previous ones!  
  
~*~ Pretty Like a Princess ~*~  
  
"So, Naruto," Tsunade said as Naruto hopped up onto her desk for his second- month checkup. "I hear you made up with Uchiha Sasuke."  
  
"Yup," Naruto grinned. "Stupid asshole finally apologized to me." Tsunade raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Should you be calling him a 'stupid asshole,' now? I heard he offered to help raise the kid." Naruto looked at the ground sheepishly.  
  
"I guess not," he admitted.  
  
"Either way," Tsunade said "The usual."  
  
"Right. No, no, no, no, no, but I've been feeling a little strange lately, just in general, you know? Like something big is gonna happen."  
  
"Well, you're still about seven months away, give or take two weeks, so I doubt it's your time yet." Tsunade frowned. "But what exactly do you mean when you say 'strange feeling?' Be specific."  
  
Naruto thought for a moment. "Well, I dunno. I've been really touchy, lately, you know? Like, everything pisses me off. And this guy," he patted his bulging abdomen, "he's been really active, like he's trying to get out."  
  
"Is that so?" Tsunade said, nodding thoughtfully. "Hmm. But anyway, shirt off--wait a minute, is that a *dress* you're wearing, Naruto?"  
  
Naruto nodded. "Iruka-sensei got it for me a few days ago!" he chirped. "Isn't it pretty? It makes me feel pretty. Pretty like a princess."  
  
Tsunade blinked. It seemed that being stuck in a woman's body was affecting Naruto in more ways than the physical. "Well, you are pretty in it," she said, deciding to humor the boy for the time being. "Here, lift it up for me so I can check on the baby."  
  
Naruto rucked the dress up over the bulge in his abdomen, and Tsunade kneeled down to get a closer look. She placed a hand on it, more than a little surprised when the baby kicked almost immediately at her palm. Naruto let out a small squeak of pain, and Tsunade looked up, concerned.  
  
"Are you all right, Naruto?"  
  
"Y--Yeah. It just hurts sometimes when he kicks, you know? It's like he's got claws or something."  
  
Tsunade frowned and filed the information away for further contemplation. She focused herself on the flow of Naruto's chakra, but something burned her. She jerked away from Naruto, shaking her hand reflexively though only time could soothe the burn of a chakra sting.  
  
"Hey, hey, Tsunade-baba," Naruto asked, worried, "what's wrong?"  
  
Tsunade ignored him, instead gazing at her hand, which still tingled. Immediately upon accessing Naruto's chakra flow system, she'd been assaulted by a wave of dark red chakra. And there was only one being with chakra that powerful and evil...  
  
"Naruto," she asked, "have you been feeling the Demon Fox more strongly recently?"  
  
"...now that you mention it, yeah," he said, a tinge of nervousness entering his normally fearless gaze. "Why? What's going to happen to my baby, Tsunade-baba?"  
  
"I don't know, Naruto," she answered honestly. "We may have to abort it, for your own sake as well as the village's. I don't want to risk the effects resealing the Demon Fox may have on the baby."  
  
"But Tsunade-baba..."  
  
"Only as a last resort, Naruto. And you can always have another." She smiled reassuringly and stood up, brushing her kimono clean. "I'll make sure of that. Now, put your dress back and smile, OK?"  
  
Naruto took a deep breath. He nodded and pulled his dress down over his abdomen, then grinned at Tsunade.  
  
"Hey, Tsunade-baba," he said. "Don't think this's gonna stop me from being Hokage, 'cause it's not."  
  
"I know, "Tsunade said. She smiled at him, but her smile quickly into a worried frown when Naruto suddenly doubled over in pain,.  
  
"Naruto?" Tsunade asked, gripping his shoulders. "Naruto, what is it?"  
  
"I... I don't know," Naruto gasped out, clutching his stomach. "It hurts, it's like--ah!" He squinched his eyes tightly closed and whimpered. Tsunade considered him for a moment. It could just be a random premature contraction, but better safe than sorry, she thought, especially in a case as delicate as this one. She started to reach out with her chakra again, but withdrew it when a more physical sign appeared--a clear liquid she identified as amniotic fluid leaked out from under Naruto's dress and soaked her shoes. Naruto's water had broken.  
  
Her eyes widened. Naruto was giving birth at only two months! Or, more than likely, miscarrying. As much as she hated to admit it, she was somewhat relieved. Once the baby was out of the way, she could reseal the Demon Fox with no worries. Still, she winced at what Naruto would undoubtedly go through--at only two months along, the baby wouldn't be developed enough to survive in the outside world.  
  
Naruto suddenly relaxed, taking deep breaths. He looked at Tsunade, a fear she hated to see present in his eyes. "Tsunade-baba," he said, "what's happening?"  
  
"You're giving birth, Naruto," she answered. Naruto's eyes widened.  
  
"What? But--But it's too soon!"  
  
"I know, Naruto." Tsunade swept Naruto into her arms and strode to the door. "Don't worry, we're gonna get you through this." She kicked the door open, startling Kotetsu, who was doing paperwork in the small waiting room. He stood upon seeing her.  
  
"Hokage-sama!" he said. "There are some people here to see you, emissaries from--"  
  
"Forget that," Tsunade growled, shoving past him. "Tell them I'm busy, and will be for a while."  
  
"B-But Hokage-sama, they're the emissaries from Hidden Sand. They had an appointment... and that demon kid is with them."  
  
Tsunade closed her eyes and leaned against the door. "Damn," she said under her breath. Then she shook herself. They would just have to wait. The safety of her village, and possibly the entire world, was literally in her hands. If the Demon Fox decided to take advantage of Naruto's distress and possess Naruto during the birth... the consequences could be disastrous.  
  
Not to mention that the boy in her arms was her only link to her dear dead brother, and hell if she would gamble his life on a stupid meeting!  
  
"Tell them to wait," she ordered Kotetsu. "Tell them it's an emergency. Give them tea."  
  
"Hokage-sama--"  
  
"Those are my orders," she called over her shoulder, already on her way to the hospital, which was fortunately nearby. "And close my door, will you? And send Izumo to get Hatake Kakashi and Umino Iruka, pronto!"  
  
Tsunade walked down the hall as fast as she could without jolting Naruto too much, her steps long and sure. She'd get Naruto through this, she'd prevent tragedy, no matter what it was. It was her duty and her right, as the Fifth Hokage, to see this birth through. Naruto whimpered in her arms, and she looked down. He was looking up at her, tears flowing freely down his face.  
  
"Tsunade-baba..." he keened.  
  
"Don't worry, Naruto," she said, then leaned down and kissed him on the forehead. "Don't worry. You'll be all right. I'll take care of you."  
  
To be continued... 


	14. I Don't Believe I'm Seeing This

Disclaimers are, you guessed it, still in the first chapter.  
  
Either way, this thing is fast approaching its "exciting" conclusion, after/at which time all will be explained.  
  
~*~ "I Don't Believe I'm Seeing This" ~*~  
  
"I don't believe I'm seeing this," Kakashi said as he beheld his straining, swearing student giving birth on a hospital bed.  
  
"You don't believe it!" Naruto shouted at him, before crying out again. At his side, Iruka gripped his hand tightly and glared at Kakashi.  
  
"And you're late because?" he gritted out.  
  
"Well, I was walking through the temple, you know, and there was a pretty girl crying in a coffin, so I couldn't just leave her lying there, could I?" He coughed as Iruka's glare intensified. "And I went and got Sakura and Sasuke. They're in the hall."  
  
Iruka smiled weakly. "Great. Thanks. Hokage-sama should be here in a minute, so take a seat."  
  
"Hah!" Naruto wheezed, relaxing his body from the tensed curl it had been in. Looked like the latest contraction was over. Kakashi pulled a chair over to his student and sat down. He reached discreetly into his pack, searching for the one thing that would make this labor bearable...  
  
"Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto and Iruka yelled in unison. "Don't read pervy books while a woman's giving birth!"  
  
"OK, OK," he said, folding his hands in his lap. "You don't need to be so pushy."  
  
"How is he?" said Tsunade as she shoved the door open with her foot, pulling on a pair of elbow-length latex gloves. Naruto blanched at the sight, and Iruka squeezed his hand reassuringly. Kakashi stood at attention.  
  
"He's doing fine, Hokage-sama," Iruka reported.  
  
"No I'm not, Iruka-sensei!" Naruto said. "It hurts! Tsunade-baba, make it stop!"  
  
Tsunade strode to the foot of the bed, kneeled down, and started doing... whatever doctors did down there. Kakashi didn't want to know. He coughed, and Tsunade looked at him.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Ah, Hokage-sama," he said, "I was just wondering: why am I here?"  
  
Iruka shot him a glance. "You're here to support your student in his time of need!" he said. "Don't you care about Naruto at all?"  
  
"Actually, Iruka," Tsunade interrupted, "that's only part of the reason." She looked at Kakashi seriously. "You're here as backup. If something goes wrong, you are to warn the village as quickly as you can, form a defense team, and find that no-good Jiraiya. He's the only other person here powerful enough to stop it if it gets out of control."  
  
Iruka went ghostly pale. "Wait, Hokage-sama," he said. "By 'it' you mean... 'IT,' right?" Tsunade nodded. "Holy fucking shit," he said.  
  
"Hey, hey, Iruka-sensei," Naruto grinned, "you can't tell me to watch my mouth anymo-ORE--" Naruto curled up again as he started another contraction, and Tsunade got to work. Kakashi sat down again. He kept one eye on the scene by the bed, his hand sneaking back down to his pouch...  
  
"Kakashi, pay attention!" Tsunade snapped above the various squishing sounds coming from her end of the bed. Kakashi retrieved his hand, suddenly losing interest in his porn. He sighed and settled himself down to watch something straight off the Lifetime Channel.  
  
Five minutes later, Kakashi seriously considered taking a nap. As far as he could tell, all that was happening was a lot of grunting, and he wasn't the kind of guy to take pictures of his student sweating and screaming, not even for future blackmail. Only the irritated glances and occasional senbon Iruka threw at him every time he nodded off kept him awake.  
  
Time passed. Naruto contracted and relaxed, contracted and relaxed. Tsunade worked, Iruka coached. Kakashi watched, bored out of his mind. He thanked the gods when he heard a knock at the door. Before any of the other people in the room could tell him to do so, he leapt to his feet and answered the door. Kotetsu was standing on the other side.  
  
"Ah, Hokage-sama?" he asked.  
  
"Yes?" she answered, deeply involved in some delicate procedure that involved having most of her arm shoved up Naruto's... Kakashi refused to consider the matter further. God, he hated this.  
  
"It's the Sand Village emissaries..."  
  
"I told you, tell them I'm busy and keep them entertained," she snapped, doing something inside Naruto's body that made the boy in question grit his teeth and moan.  
  
"I've been doing that, Hokage-sama," Kotetsu replied, his voice a little squeaky. "But, you see, that sand kid is with them, and he's... getting impatient." He indicated his neck. Kakashi looked at it. His eyes widened.  
  
"Hokage-sama," he said, "I think you'd better see this." He moved out of the way so she could. She looked up from her work and swore under her breath.  
  
Around Kotetsu's neck was a thin noose of sand, which constricted periodically according to Gaara's whims, Kakashi guessed. Tsunade removed her hands from Naruto's... yeah, stood up and stripped the gloves off.  
  
"Tsunade-baba?" Naruto asked, sounding like he was about to cry.  
  
"Don't worry, Naruto," she said. "I'll be right back." She leaned over and touched Naruto on the forehead. The boy's eyes rolled back, and he fell unconscious. "He shouldn't have any more contractions for a bit," she instructed Kakashi and Iruka, "but if he does, find Shizune and have her take over. She's my student; she can delay the birth until I can get out of this." With that, she tossed the gloves in the trash and strode out to the door.  
  
Kakashi looked at Iruka. "Can I read my book now?"  
  
~*~ To Be Continued ~*~ 


	15. An Itty Bitty Interlude

Dislaimers are somewhere in this fic. Guess.  
  
OK, I know some people are getting impatient, but school's been bending me over a table lately. The way I have it planned, there will be... hmm, this chapter, and two more afterwards. Be sure to read the author's notes at the end, though, 'cause there are some things everybody should know. Either way, here's the stuff I have done, and I'll try to have more up by Friday or Saturday.  
  
~*~ An Itty Bitty Interlude ~*~  
  
Twenty steps up the hall. Twenty steps down the hall. Twenty steps up the hall. Twenty steps down the--  
  
"Would you stop it already?" Sakura snapped, looking up from her scroll. "It's really distracting."  
  
"Shut up," Sasuke retorted. He glared at her for a moment, then resumed his pacing. How could she read a stupid scroll at a time like this? Naruto was giving birth! Didn't she care at all? How could she be so calm when he was practically crawling out of his skin?  
  
"Sasuke," she said. He ignored her. "Sasuke, sit down." He whipped around to face her, eyes blazing.  
  
"Would you just shut up?" he snarled. "How can I sit down at a time like this?"  
  
"Be quiet, you'll disturb Naruto," she said, meeting his gaze evenly. "And sit down."  
  
The staring contest went on for some time, and then Sasuke sat on the floor next to Sakura. "That's better," she smiled. Sasuke grunted noncommittally in reply. She unrolled her scroll again, found her place, and began reading.  
  
Sasuke fidgeted beside her. What he wouldn't give for a good spar right now. A good spar with Naruto. Who was giving birth, four months early. He huffed. Just like the moron to ruin everything like this. If there was no kid, there was no reason to spend extra time with Naruto, and he was back to square one. Just a few days ago, he'd been so happy, but with the way things were going, he half-expected Itachi to rise from his grave.  
  
"Sasuke," Sakura said, looking at him pointedly. "Naruto will be all right."  
  
"How can you be sure?" he answered. Sakura rolled her eyes.  
  
"Well, he's only got the best doctor the world has ever known taking care of him." She rolled up the scroll. "Plus, he's too stupid to die. You know that."  
  
"Yeah, I guess." Sasuke trailed off, staring at the opposite wall. Why did things like this keep on happening to him? First his family killed, then getting put on a team with that total moron, and then--  
  
"You really love Naruto, don't you?" Sasuke stared at Sakura, eyes wide.  
  
"H-How did you..."  
  
"When I thought about it, it was pretty obvious," Sakura gazed at the wall in front of her and took a deep breath. "I mean, you never liked me. You didn't like Ino either, and if Naruto's your type, she would've been too, I think. And you were always talking about Naruto, even if it was just about how dumb he was." She drew her knees up to her chest and folded her arms across them. "It hurt."  
  
After a long, tense moment, Sakura spoke again. "I didn't stop you when you went over to Orochimaru. I couldn't. But if it had been him, you would've stayed. He was the one that brought you back. Do you know how much I wanted to be him right then? I would've done anything, if you would've only looked at me like you looked at him."  
  
Sasuke squinched his eyes shut. "I'm sorry," he said, and was surprised to find he meant it.  
  
"It's... it's not OK, not yet." She took a breath and tentatively grasped one of Sasuke's hands with her own. "But it will be. It's just..."  
  
"Hm?" he said, squeezing her hand encouragingly.  
  
"It's just, I don't think Naruto likes boys, Sasuke."  
  
Sasuke felt his heart reel as if someone had swung a hammer at it. "I know," he whispered quietly. And he did. He did know. Had known all this time, and god, he hated his life.  
  
Outside, it began to rain. Inside, though, Sakura squeezed Sasuke's hand comfortingly. "Still, it's really admirable of you to help Naruto raise this kid, even if it's not yours." Sasuke blinked and stared at her.  
  
"What?" he asked. "How did you know?"  
  
"Because Naruto would never--" she cut herself off when they heard footsteps hurrying down the hall. Soon enough, Kotetsu, the Hokage's secretary, turned the corner, rushed to the room Naruto was giving birth in, and knocked. The door opened, and he talked quietly with the person on the other side for a few moments. Sasuke and Sakura inched closer, hoping to overhear.  
  
"...and have her take over. She's my student; she can delay the birth until I get back." With that, Tsunade strode out the door and down the hall, her secretary in tow. Sasuke panicked: hadn't she said she'd be with Naruto the whole way? What if he died while she was gone? He rushed to catch up with her.  
  
"Hokage-sama!" he called out. She glanced over her shoulder.  
  
"He's fine, I've delayed the birthing process. I have some business to attend to that can't be put off." Then she was around the corner and gone. Sasuke leaned against the wall, trying to force his worry down to acceptable levels.  
  
Outside, thunder shook the skies.  
  
~*~ To Be Continued ~*~ 


	16. I Don't Believe I'm Doing This

Disclaimers are... in the first chapter. Hah!  
  
OK, here's the last *real* chapter. The next one (which I'll hopefully have done and up by the end of the weekend), is an epilogue chapter, at the end of which are the author's notes I promised last time. Please read them, as they contain the reasons I wrote this monster in the first place.  
  
And a BIG FAT WARNING: you remember reading about a squick warning in the first chapter? Well, this is the chapter I put that in for. It is *very squicky*, for *various different reasons*. If you don't think you can handle it, just wait until the next chapter, and I'll put a short summary in the beginning.  
  
~*~ "I Don't Believe I'm Doing This" ~*~  
  
Kakashi glanced out the window. "Bad weather today, huh?" he remarked. The thunder sounded ominous, and the Demon Fox's chakra pulsed in time with the booms. Bad weather, indeed.  
  
"Yeah," Iruka answered, wiping sweat off a still-unconscious Naruto's forehead. "And it was so nice earlier today, too. I've never seen it turn bad this quickly."  
  
Maybe Iruka was expecting a response, maybe not, but either way Kakashi didn't feel like giving one. He snatched Come Come Piracy out of his pouch and flipped to his page. Might be the only chance he'd get for a while to do some quality reading.  
  
//'As he pressed her to his taut, manly chest, he couldn't help but feel the rust of emotions.'//  
  
Kakashi stifled a laugh. This was what he loved about these books. The plots were bad, the sex scenes cheesy beyond belief, but in every volume there were beautiful typos like the one he'd just read.  
  
"Kakashi?"  
  
This had been a particularly good one, though his favorite still had to be //'He only chuckled softly and ran his fingers gently through her head...'//  
  
"Kakashi!" Iruka insisted.  
  
Kakashi glared at the other man out of the corner of his eyes. "What?"  
  
"I could use your help over here, you know."  
  
"What?" Kakashi answered, folding his book over his finger and turning around. "Why? Isn't Naruto still unconscious?"  
  
"Yes, but..." Iruka gestured to Naruto. The boy-turned-girl's body was tense, as if she were...  
  
Kakashi groaned. "Don't tell me he's still contracting."  
  
Iruka sighed. "Yeah. Listen, could you check on him, see how far along he is?"  
  
How far along he was? "No way," Kakashi said. "Why don't you do it?"  
  
"Well, I would, but..."  
  
"But what?"  
  
Iruka raised his hand, which was still clasped with Naruto's. "He won't let go."  
  
Kakashi took a closer look and winced in sympathy. "Wow. Those are some bruises."  
  
"Yeah, he's got a strong grip. But either way, could you?" Kakashi rolled his eyes and put away his book. If Sakura ever got pregnant, he'd kill her.  
  
He kneeled down at the foot of the bed and took a look. Everything seemed normal. Everything except for...  
  
He took a closer look. Then he blinked and looked again. He pushed his forehead protecter up his forehead and looked with the Sharingan.  
  
"Kakashi? What's wrong?" Kakashi raised his eyes to Iruka's.  
  
"Hey Iruka, does the Demon Fox's chakra seem especially strong to you right now?" Iruka closed his eyes and focused. After a moment, he nodded. "Thought so."  
  
"Why do you ask?" Iruka said, sounding extremely worried. Well, Kakashi thought, he should be. He covered his eye again and took a deep breath before answering.  
  
"Because he seems to be giving birth to a fox."  
  
Iruka stared at him. "You're kidding, right?"  
  
"Nope." Iruka stared at him for a moment longer.  
  
"This... explains a few things," Iruka said slowly.  
  
"The Demon Fox must be trying to escape his body," Kakashi said.  
  
"But in order to do that, it needed a body of its own."  
  
"So it forced Naruto into a woman's body..."  
  
"...and created a body for itself in his uterus."  
  
"I'd better go get Shizune."  
  
"No, I'll do it," Iruka said, disengaging his hand from Naruto's with a wince. "Of the two of us, you're the one who'd stand a chance against that thing if it decided to attack." And before Kakashi could protest, Iruka was out the door.  
  
Kakashi sighed. Now what? What had given Iruka the idea that he knew anything about birth, never mind as unnatural a birth as this was turning out to be? Naruto relaxed on the bed. Kakashi poked his thigh.  
  
"Hey, Naruto," he said, knowing the kid couldn't hear him but feeling the need to talk anyway. "It's, uh, gonna be all right. Yeah. Don't worry."  
  
He rolled his eyes. That was too lame, even for someone who was unconscious. He was losing his touch. Bored out of his mind, he propped his chin on his hand and waited. He felt around with his chakra to see if Iruka was back. Nope. He took a closer look at the fox-thing, trying to figure out how far along it was, and was about to push his forehead protector up to improve his depth perception when Naruto tensed again.  
  
"Well, that was quick," Kakashi said. But jeez, that little bugger was coming out pretty fast. He panicked when he realized that one of the fox's ears was already out, with the whole head soon to follow. "OK, Naruto," he said, "stop pushing. Stop pushing, Naruto!"  
  
He let out a relieved sigh when Naruto obeyed. If things kept going at this pace, the thing would be out before Iruka got back with Shizune, and even then she might not be able to do anything. That meant he'd have to do something soon, considering he didn't stand a chance against that thing, even if it was in an infant's body. Naruto tensed very slightly in preparation for another contraction, and Kakashi did something.  
  
Before he could really think about it, his hands were up Naruto's... meh, grasping the baby around the torso. Something ripped, but he refused to think about it. His conscience began to bombard him. What said the Demon Fox would attack anything, even if it did get out? Every living thing just wanted to be free! And wasn't it Naruto's choice to make anyway, or at the least Tsunade's? And he wasn't about to just kill an infant. No way. If he did that, he'd hate looking in the mirror every morning even more than he did now. He'd just have to find an alternate method of delaying the inevitable.  
  
His eyes widened, then narrowed. Screw everything, the little monster had bitten him!  
  
He looked to the left, the right, up, and down. No one in the room. He reached out with his chakra. No one in the hall, except for Sasuke and Sakura who would be no help at all in this situation. He steeled himself.  
  
"I don't believe I'm doing this," he said. Then he shoved the Demon Fox back into Naruto's body.  
  
~*~ To be continued ~*~  
  
Told you it was squicky, but as that particular image is what spawned this entire thing, I couldn't exactly take it out. Also, congratulations to Winged Knight, who figured this out in the fifth chapter. That kind of luck/deductive skill deserves a prize. I dunno whether you'd want it, but feel free to request a drabble or shortfic from me, any pairing or concept (though I'd prefer if it didn't involve teacher/student relationships). Leave a review letting me know what you'd like, and I'll get it done as quickly as possible. 


	17. The Moral of the Story

OK, here it is. The exciting conclusion. Even though the excitement was over last chapter. Pretend this is exciting, too. Or something.  
  
Disclaimers are still in the first chapter.  
  
~*~ The Moral of the Story ~*~  
  
"So, Naruto," Iruka said. He and his former student were sitting side by side in the Ichiraku ramen bar, slurping down mouthfuls of their specialty pork ramen. Naruto noisily sucked a noodle into his mouth and turned to face his teacher.  
  
"Yeah, Iruka-sensei?" he said. His voice, previously a low soprano, was back to his usual tenor, and Naruto couldn't be happier.  
  
"What have you learned from all this?" Naruto rolled his eyes.  
  
"Aww, Iruka-sensei!"  
  
"Despite what you think, it's not a stupid question," Iruka insisted, looking Naruto straight in the eye. "It's important to learn from our mistakes so that we don't make them again. I mean, if the Hokage hadn't shown up in the nick of time, the entire village could have been lost."  
  
"Yeah, good idea to go get her directly instead of Shizune."  
  
"Though I do feel bad about what happened to Kotestu after that."  
  
"Yeah, I'd hate to have sand permanently embedded in my--"  
  
"Naruto, don't change the subject."  
  
"OK, OK," Naruto said. "What I learned was... I hate being pregnant."  
  
"That's a good start. Go on."  
  
"I'm never getting pregnant again."  
  
"Mmhm."  
  
"Because being pregnant is icky."  
  
"That's right."  
  
"And I'm a boy, so it's impossible now," Naruto said, patting his thankfully-flat chest. "Being a girl was kinda neat for a while, but I like being my usual self better. And there was something else..."  
  
"I like you better like that too. Good thing you changed back after Hokage-sama resealed the Demon Fox."  
  
"Thanks, Iruka-sensei, now I remember. If I get pregnant, there's something seriously wrong going on."  
  
"Right."  
  
"Because only girls can get pregnant, and they're cool so they can do it better."  
  
"Ah, sure."  
  
"And that bastard Sasuke wouldn't have hung around."  
  
"I'm not so sure about that."  
  
"Well, I get the feeling he had something else up his sleeve, you know? Like, he wouldn't have stayed just because I was having his, um, child."  
  
"Well, given how young you are, it did seem a little strange that he didn't just run off, like most guys that age do. Then again, Sasuke's not your ordinary guy."  
  
"Nope. He's a bastard."  
  
"Naruto..."  
  
"OK, OK. Lessee... basically, I just don't ever wanna be pregnant again."  
  
"You already said that."  
  
"Well, I really, really mean it! I hate it! I mean, I'm not a girl, even if I look like one sometimes, so this whole thing shouldn't have even happened in the first place!"  
  
"Exactly. So the moral of the story is?"  
  
Naruto beamed as he gulped down the last of his ramen. "Don't play pranks on the Hokage?"  
  
"Naruto!"  
  
~*~ And now, a public service announcement ~*~  
  
First of all, this was a parody. And I'm sorry, but I think that should've been obvious. Every time Sasuke had a chapter, it rained. That should've been a clue. There are other clues scattered around, but if you didn't get that this was a parody until just now, you probably missed them.  
  
So, why did I write this? Because I hate mpreg with a burning passion. Let's face it, folks, men can't get pregnant. In fact, I hate the very concept of mpreg so much, I couldn't even leave Naruto male for this fic. If it were physically possible, I'd say sure, go for it. *But it's not.*  
  
Why do yaoi writers always want to make male characters pregnant anyways? If you want to write a fic in which your characters experience all the joys a heterosexual couple can, write a heterosexual couple. Gay and lesbian couples have their own joys, but one partner impregnating the other is not one of them. To turn one into the "man" and the other into the "woman," as invariably happens in mpreg (and most yaoi and yuri too) forces them out of character and makes for the same old boring fic again and again. If you're gonna write male/male or female/female, *write them both as men/women.* Transsexual characters are a bit more complex, but that's not relevant right now.  
  
If you'll notice, Naruto consistently became more and more out-of-character the farther along it went. He started acting less like Naruto and more like fanfiction!Naruto, who, you guessed it, I also hate with a burning passion. Naruto isn't a fifteen-year-old girl. And he's most certainly not a fifteen-year-old girl straight out of a Lifetime movie.  
  
Speaking of Lifetime movies, I also hate those with a burning passion. They're unrealistic and overly dramatic, glorify teenage pregnancy and make me cringe in general. In fact, the spark for this fic came from an epiphany. I realized I could parody Lifetime movies (especially "OMG I'm sixteen and pregnant!" movies), mpreg, and bad Naruto fanfiction, all in one! So I wrote this.  
  
Even if you didn't get the joke until just now, I hope you enjoyed the fic. I certainly enjoyed writing it, despite squicking myself countless times.  
  
Ah, hell. If I'm parodying Lifetime movies, I've gotta stay true to form, right? So here's the epilogue, which will explain what happened to each character after the events in this fic.  
  
~*~ Epilogue: Where Are They Now? ~*~  
  
Sasuke subtly pursued Naruto for a few more months until he realized that Naruto was about as observant as a big pile of rocks and would never pick up on it by himself. He tearfully confessed his feelings to his teammate, then went off and sulked. In the rain.  
  
Sakura eventually got over her Sasuke-obsession and started dating Lee. Though he lost his eyebrows in a tragic stir-fry accident, they continued their relationship for many long, eventful years.  
  
The Monthly Jounin Bitch Session became a Leaf Village tradition, moderated by Gai until the day he lost his teeth. Deprived of his glint, he spent days on end sitting on his porch and encouraging passerbys with anecdotes from his younger days. He was occasionally visited by his old rival Kakashi who, though he didn't do much aside from read his porn, greatly warmed Gai's heart with his presence.  
  
After recovering from her heartbreak with Naruto, Hinata sought out Jiraiya for pimp lessons. She currently ghostwrites the "Come Come" series for the Ero-sennin, with Shino and Kiba as her man-slaves. They don't mind.  
  
Shikamaru and Ino married at the age of eighteen, and he remains her bitch to this day.  
  
Tsunade eventually revealed to the village that her lieutenant, Shizune, was in fact her lover. No one cared, though, because if they did Tsunade would beat their asses and send them through a slot machine.  
  
Chouji slimmed down, shaped up and replaced Sasuke as the village heartthrob. After having flings with all the girls in Leaf Village, he married TenTen, and they were very happy together despite the complete randomness of their love.  
  
Neji took over the Hyuuga family business. Just what that business was... he could tell you, but then he'd have to kill you.  
  
Iruka continued teaching and researching new techniques. His big claim to fame was the development of "Baking no Jutsu," a special jutsu that summons cookies, any kind, a dozen at a time. Other, more minor accomplishments include "Dusting no Jutsu," which removes all allergens from an area, and "Goddamnit-Come-Back-Here no Jutsu," for catching wayward students.  
  
Haku continued to star in many flashbacks over the years. Eventually, his work earned him enough money to buy Zabuza out of hell, and they settled down together somewhere in the Earth Country. Despite the strong homophobia present in the area, they led a life together without discrimination, because everyone still thought Haku was a woman.  
  
Gaara taught basic ninja techniques at the Hidden Sand Village Academy for several years, until an unfortunate experience with a Mary Sue reminded him of exactly why he'd turned evil in the first place. He now kills people for fun and profit.  
  
And, because the author likes SasuNaru and wants a happy ending, after Sasuke ran off (in the rain), Naruto ran after him, and as they kissed the sun came out and birds sung and flowers bloomed and everything was peachy- keen until Sasuke wanted kids. Then Naruto dumped him, until Sasuke promised that he would be the one to get pregnant this time. Unfortunately, they never quite figured out how to make this happen. So they adopted. Aww.  
  
~*~ The End ~*~ 


End file.
